I can’t talk to my mother. They got the phonebill for the other phone and they want to know what kind of person am I? that i’m lying to them again that my friend (xamp) is more than my friend … that I’m lying to them about what it is between us .
It was a normal day at this address … they got the phone bill and i’m just making trouble… that i have 1000 text messages… i went over and totalled out with 1400 … what am I doing that i keep going over on this and we made an agreement. I have to get my life in order. That I’m lying to them and they’re tired of me lying to them. But how is it that something i think that is no ones business other than mine and his becomes there. I understand that….
What kind of stalker am I she asked me …
What kind of stalker am I
and now I’m ready to cry again. I don’t want life to be this way. I don’t want life to end up this way… so do i have to put everything down here right now? Everything down in words? Because i think I can …
So here’s the big fucking deal!!!!!
We met on furcadia in the early summer of last year … we met in refur… I got attached… I started talking to my mother about this person I was talking to online that I knew and we were building a dream together on Furcadia… his name was Joshua… then I started lying … said he went to my school… said he was around my age… made up a whole creation so that I could talk about him.. talk about us talking … talk about the webcam and things that were damn real to me but were totally fake to everyone else.
I made that my reality.
I have no reality. So I lied… I brought things like my football games … things like weekends … all sorts of crazy things… all sorts of overlying … because I wanted it to seem like I had a friend my age… someone close to me that maybe they would approve of. I knew if they had any idea what was going on they would go totally insane.
I found out he was married. … I pulled away…. then we got closer again … then I tried to pull away again and get myself out before it was too late… but I was already inlove with him. I knew everything I was doing was going to get me into deep, deep trouble. But my longterm planning was never a forte of mine. I always wanted things to be okay for the next five minutes.
Then everything came out … it came out good… all of the lies came out … at least some of them came out because I overlied… they wanted to know why I overlied… what it was that caused me to do it. … I know what caused me to do it because i’ve been lying like this since I was at least in second grade. Do you want me to go into that too?
My mother told me … she gave up her life to raise me… she gave up her career her everything to become a stay-at-home mom so that she could do the best for me that she could. The absolute best and give me everything that she thought I needed. … But she told me never to lie … that she never told a lie… she never lies at all and all it does is end up badly in the end for everyone but I never felt like I was right, like I was good enough for her or for anyone… I felt like I had to tell her things that weren’t true because if I didn’t then maybe she would know how lonely I was on the inside… that maybe things would be different if I told her that Joe Evans got detention again for some stupid thing … or that the money for the green saucer was int he bottom of my closet even though it realy came out of the “bunnykins” bank on my fathers dresser and even showed them a spot… I just thought it was something and it workd. It never REALLY worked but it worked for the moment and as long as I sounded like I had friends and I knew it was all a load of crap and all of it would come out in the end that it would be okay,
I don’t like to think that I’m a liar by nature … I don’t like to think that everything in my reality are lies that i’ve created because I’m not a good person at all. That I’ve become this thing that’s not worth their time. They’re paying for my college, for my everything and all I do is lie to them … I try so hard to tell them the truth but I don’t want to dissapoint them. I feel like no matter what I do its going to be a dissapointment to them.
And I need to get better answers than “ok” … or things like that. She’s sick of hearing them. …I feel like I’m a lost soul… and I’m not being a drama queen when I say it… I feel like inside of me there is a little 6 year old who wants the chance to start again … begging to get a chance to do this horriable life over again and see what would happen …but then i might never know him… and i don’t think that is worth it.