Lying in bed… lost… and wishing the TV worked in here…


I ended up having to ask my mom to pay for the stupid haul away… i feel sick through and through to know how much money i owe her but how lucky i am that she CAN help me … i want to be able to pay her back… i wanted to be able to pay her back IN FULL already… and ive not been able to stop crying all night… i am so sick of this … and so scared of how life is just going to be this way forever… I need to work on my resume again tomorrow… i need to get over this fear of getting another full time job… i have to … im just so scared that i cant do it. the last 3 full time jobs i couldn't keep because of medical … i don't want to be disabled… i dont want to be broken… i dont want to play this game anymore where im just… broken…

what if i cant do it? we cant afford for me not to be able to do it … and we cant afford for me to be scared either… and im scared of everything… im so overwhelmed… and what if i cant find another job that isn't the same shit i always do… what if i cant do it, or cant find the references or anything i need to break out of this hole… it's stuck in my head about my landlord telling me im worthless and full of excuses… i wish i didn't talk so much… i wish i could be a better wife… or less shitty than i am … i want so many things… and im too high maintnence… and im so scared…

i just wanted so much more than this… so much more forever… and i feel like thats never going to happen… i have a lot to do tomorrow… i hope i can get most of it done… and not have more panic attacks… or tic storms… or anything else… all i know is not getting out of bed isn't an option tomorrow…

i wanted more than this


It can come from out of nowhere
Hit you when you're safe and warm
Take it easy my star
your time is gonna come,
your time is gonna come….

I'm really tired….like, really really tired. I didn't sleep very well last night but my books' really good. I can't wait to read the next one too… even if it's not the direct follow up… it's like, the side book… So I'll be happy to read it anyway… Reading is really nice lately. But called me from work early this morning while I was in the shower and said he was on his way home … I kinda started to freak … he said he got hurt. He was working back in recieving and somehow disloacted his knee. The bad knee anyway!!!

So, he tells me that it's all my fault he got hurt today … this is the first morning he didn't come back into the bedroom to tell me he was leaving and for me to tell him to 'have a good day, stay out of trouble, don't hurt my bunbun. I love you' and not doing that…so…he came home at like 9am, just as my mom was getting here. She was so worried about being in his way … but I got him all set up to rest on the couch and we went out and went to our SAME places and did the same little nothings… Oh, and i made her bread…

That was pretty neat too. I really lhad fun with her today… and we did NOTHING… just talked and walked around … it was just 5 minutes away from my stress and my life and my everything else… So I get home and my landlord tells me off because ive not had the Baggster picked up from cleaning the cellar out and told me I'm a bunch of bad words and other things and screamed in my face and i yelled back with him and when i got back in I had a gigantic tantrum with screaming and sobbing and after that… well… major panic attack…

… the checking account is overdrawn again… thanks of BofA…for once again making my life a nightmare… we dont even know where this charge came from but it's $80 overdrawn at minimum… the electric bill is due, the cable bill is due, the rent is due… the mail box is due… medicalert lapsed… everything else is driving me insane… and i had a breakdown… a full complete hysterical sobbing mess where had to take me into the bedroom and try to make me feel better while i SOBBED my eyes out….

I have to find $139 to get the bag picked up… my unemployment is only $490… so with the rent and the bag… unless we want to have to take the Skees over to my moms and live in the car AGAIN … we'll be evicted… and I don't want to live in the cars again… idon't… that was so awful…  I don't want to live in this slum anymore… i feel sick over spending anything…. i don't want it to be like this… i never thought my life of being like… living in a slum….. with no money at all… crying and panic attacks….

…oh… and the taxes… we owe so much money… i was sick over that…

so much for this diet… i need a donut…not like we can afford that EITHER… we can't even afford a $.59 donut… and we have to use the last of his check to get ink to print the taxes… i cant take it… i can't take it ….

he wont let me even sell some of my jewlery… i said i would and he said its not allowed… i have nothing i can do to make this better…  i guess im going to have a matzoh with cinnamon sugar…

 im so done….

sleepy….


So… im really proud that I did my coupons today and a few other things… and i went food shopping … and money is so tight but we have food, and medicine, and lunch and most of the things we need to get through… now to just mail the rent… and have the trashdumper picked up…

not much else than that… but me and my zumba is GREAT … oh, and i had a fun lunch with my man…. 🙂

proud of myself.


just did 80 minutes of Zumba, I love it… and I kinda made a decision for myself … I want to be more of a GIRL again… I've fallen into that same old rut that I just go out in sweats and crappy sneakers…so I SHAVED (i know shocking) and im finally trying to make myself the girl I remember from BEFORE i got married…. I've gotten so wrapped up in my illnesses and disorders I think ive made myself worse… but just… you know what I mean, right? so.. It's not like I need to go and spend money on this (since I don't have any) … but I can try…..

a 1/2 gallon of ice cream made it a little better…


100_2953
^ my last picture of Copper…..

so..we took my kitten back over to margies… once my face started swelling and my lips blew up we knew it was time … i really, really am sad over it … im sad over a lot of things… the welfare denial… the debt… being broke… eating junk… and being allergic to my kitten… oh, and the tourette’s

… my new tic… omg it sucks … “sometimes i dress up like shirley temple and spank myself with a hocky stick hockeystick” … i cant stand it … so embarassing.

i cried for so long today without my babygirl… finally we went over to see the little westy at the postoffice and that made things a lot better for me… i got some hypoallergenic love…

so… davis made a really good ham for dinner. my mom got it for free from shoprite and gave it to us … so he made that tonight and i had glazed carrots for the firs ttime… tasted like a holiday… the couch is fixed… thats good… and i finally dont feel like im trapped in allergy hell…

hopefully i can get some zumba time in tomorrow to try to work off all the callories i got eating junkfood… and he wants us to go out for good tacos tomorrow too. i dont know if we can afford it but i think it sound really good.

hopefully i’ll be less sad tomorrow…