I have an instagram now … and my dad got me a new phone thats android … I had a wicked attack at work tonight and I was alone and I hated it really bad… and Ive been in premurge hell all day. 

 

I’ve got a house to clean, laundry to do, dishes to wash, a floor to vaccuum, coupons to clip, dinner to make and fish to vaccuum … so… no matter how much I want to vent about life… I need to be an adult and not a big baby. 


the problem with having a public journal is that I can’t talk about all the things that are important to me. There are some things that the world can’t really know … especially if it means I’m going to hurt members of my family. I’m really overwhelmed…. I have a lot going on … I need things to change…


Ive been up since 2:30… just lying in bed wondering why EVERY night I find myself in the same place … is it because I need a nap in the afternoon… well, partly… when you get up after 3 hours of sleep you’re GOING to be tired…Im not thinking about anything stressful, I’m not sick (although my allergies are a bit of a chronic nightmare) 

Heck, even my body… for once… isn’t a total spastic, rigid mess… I’ve been having some dystonic activity even before I went to bed last night … but it was in my neck… my NECK for godssake… so… I guess Im going to sit here quietly for a while… drink some tea… try to get myself ready to settle back in …


Dear Blog, 

 

I’ve not forgotten about you. I’m still not in a good place… I feel on the boundary of another breakdown… I’m in the process of working 2 straight weeks, I really can’t handle it… I’ve made a resolution about not internalizing but I still feel like I’m set adrift… my body is fighting me, I feel sick… my anxiety is overwhelming… my OCD is out of control… I need a day to sleep. 

 

and Ive had no time to blog… no time to process all my thoughts and stresses and everything else… I am overwhelmed… I have no routine… I need to find a new schedule… this house is abysmal… I don’t know what to do… I just don’t know… I just… I just need some time… but i don’t have enough… but I really need some time… 

 

I guess I need to try to start right now… I need to start fresh… I need to start fresh and mean it this time. I just have to focus…