well… I tried… but candy crush took over last night and I felt like crap …so I did that and went to bed really early … passed out … and woke up ticcing the whole night away and waking up in pain, crabby, tired…and had the weirdest most disturbing dreams ever

so yeah…

Oh, I’m back again… when I started this post it was about 4pm and after sobbing my eyes out on the phone with my mammy … its 8:13 now… maybe I can get all of this post done with all the stuff stuck in my head… then go do my coupons and go back to bed again…. When I feel so tired like that, no matter that I’ve been up since 5am, had a painful and busy day when I sleep I worry that it’s me stepping closer to another nervous breakdown…. I never want that to happen EVER again… 

 

So, I went to work anyway. I can’t afford to not go to work, I cant afford to look like I can’t do my job. I don’t want to look like there are things I can’t do… and i had an attack in the early morning back in the stock room and no one was there to see it, thank god. … got almost all the prep done even the slicing with 2 of the cut gloves on… because I was so paranoid!!!  and then … even better… we’re doing lunch service and I barely make it through the service before I put myself on the floor in the hallway and have an epic attack.

So I’m sitting on the floor in the hallway outside of 5-2’s dining room … and L’s daughter brought me into her office so I could use her floor … so beyond kind, she hated that people were constantly coming up to me and being sweet… but she felt that she’d not want people looking or talking to her, why would It would be so much better if I didn’t have them. I’m glad they told me that my job is safe… I have to say that again… they’re pretty good to me. I just hate knowing that they have to be like this for me. That I can’t be NORMAL… and yes, I know that saying that …there’s no such thing as normal.  

Image … doesn’t mean I can’t look at all the people up and down, walking along the hallways and doing their jobs with their own problems that can be hidden behind that wall of “normalcy” … no one has to know about other issues. Mine is out there, it’s like the guy with the mole in Austin Powers … it’s right there to be poked at by people!!!  It lasted for OVER 45 minutes but I was kinda lucky… there was an office for me to hide in, and the one manager who knew someone with TS once was there. He got my medication for me and talked with me until it passed. He even reassured me that my job wasn’t going to be threatened because of this ….it meant a lot to me, but I was still sitting on the floor with my head whipping around and the rest of my crazy motors . Everyone was so worried about me and they kept asking what to do and its not like that stressed me out more, but it made it harder for me to have the stupid attacks without feeling like I’m a failure. I didn’t even get back to work until almost 1 because it was so bad… and insult to injury… I even tinkled my pants a bit because of how severe the jerking was. I wanted to go home early, asked if it was ok … and I still left at the end of my shift. it reminded me … I need to make a better life. I want to make a better life for us and do better. I have an opportunity here I don’t want to screw up… M went down to the kitchen to get my Bowling bag full of pills and something to drink in a real cup… he didn’t want to bring one of the sippy cups up for me… I’d like to think that had to do with leaving me least SOME dignity. It meant the world to me.

I just think its so stupid…so beyond stupid … a lot of people tell me that bullshit saying that like … “Life is 10% what happens and 90% how to I react to it” … well, its SHIT. how the hell do you NOT react badly to something that causes you to end up on the floor having convulsions and hitting yourself in the head. I’m there on the floor and all I can think about is this old icon that I have on the LiveJournal Image …are you there God?  What the hell? What the hell… really? I’ve read the books … I’ve studied different texts… Moses had a speech problem, Paul had his thorn in the flesh, Leah couldn’t see, Miriam had leprosy…Jacob had a limp. They all did great things (whether they’re real or not doesn’t matter to me right now)  … but whats going to happen to me? What am I ever going to do other than cry? Or feel like I’m only here to wonder what the point is? This group of disorders only serves to steal parts of me away and make me sit and CRY my EYES OUT because everything hurts so bad…

And my feelings have been hurt for days by someone I consider a new friend. She’s got TS too and corpro pretty bad…but she found a website that’s working on training service dogs for people with Tourette’s … but the age range is only 18-25… I don’t understand why they have an age thing on there. That’s not the point though … When I was trying to justify why it’s ok that I don’t qualify for like … anything… or any help other than medication and the fact that I have my chair and I have my crutches I get told: 

“Lol ok wheely”

“I know Mr Crutchy serves you well, but it can’t lick you on the nose when you’re having a bad day.”

Sometimes I know how much of an idiot I can be … about not wanting to get the accommodations …because its going to mean that I’ve got to admit even more that there’s something wrong… That I have to sit there and really accept myself as who and what I am… and it doesn’t matter how much I try, how much I push myself … how much I convince myself otherwise… I end up back to the point that part of my brain is broken. Like I try to forget and convince myself sometimes that I’m normal…
…then I’m on the floor having a tic attack and wondering how did this happen to me. Why did this have to happen to me or anyone else …. Why does it have to get worse? Why did I have to have a nervous breakdown … why can’t I just have a few days that are normal…. I had a day yesterday where I wasn’t having crazy tics… and I’m not ticcing a lot right now because of all the medications and i have other stuff making me nuts, and hurting, and I’m alone… but I know when i get up tomorrow it’s going to suck again… Don’t call me names. Don’t make jokes. It’s mean…. it’s just not stopped bothering me. I know she wasn’t doing it to hurt me like that but I cant let it go.  OH! and insult to injury!!! Out of peer pressure I even contacted the service dog group!! even though I’m too old and they’ll just give up on me too. We’d never be able to afford that anyway… and I need to work and I need to do well for my family even if i have like … mental health problems. 
 
I hate admitting that, not only is it neurological…but mental health too…
 
Do you ever not want to try something because you’re scared of feeling more disabled? Or like… you have to give up? 
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