well… I tried… but candy crush took over last night and I felt like crap …so I did that and went to bed really early … passed out … and woke up ticcing the whole night away and waking up in pain, crabby, tired…and had the weirdest most disturbing dreams ever

so yeah…

Oh, I’m back again… when I started this post it was about 4pm and after sobbing my eyes out on the phone with my mammy … its 8:13 now… maybe I can get all of this post done with all the stuff stuck in my head… then go do my coupons and go back to bed again…. When I feel so tired like that, no matter that I’ve been up since 5am, had a painful and busy day when I sleep I worry that it’s me stepping closer to another nervous breakdown…. I never want that to happen EVER again… 

 

So, I went to work anyway. I can’t afford to not go to work, I cant afford to look like I can’t do my job. I don’t want to look like there are things I can’t do… and i had an attack in the early morning back in the stock room and no one was there to see it, thank god. … got almost all the prep done even the slicing with 2 of the cut gloves on… because I was so paranoid!!!  and then … even better… we’re doing lunch service and I barely make it through the service before I put myself on the floor in the hallway and have an epic attack.

So I’m sitting on the floor in the hallway outside of 5-2’s dining room … and L’s daughter brought me into her office so I could use her floor … so beyond kind, she hated that people were constantly coming up to me and being sweet… but she felt that she’d not want people looking or talking to her, why would It would be so much better if I didn’t have them. I’m glad they told me that my job is safe… I have to say that again… they’re pretty good to me. I just hate knowing that they have to be like this for me. That I can’t be NORMAL… and yes, I know that saying that …there’s no such thing as normal.  

Image … doesn’t mean I can’t look at all the people up and down, walking along the hallways and doing their jobs with their own problems that can be hidden behind that wall of “normalcy” … no one has to know about other issues. Mine is out there, it’s like the guy with the mole in Austin Powers … it’s right there to be poked at by people!!!  It lasted for OVER 45 minutes but I was kinda lucky… there was an office for me to hide in, and the one manager who knew someone with TS once was there. He got my medication for me and talked with me until it passed. He even reassured me that my job wasn’t going to be threatened because of this ….it meant a lot to me, but I was still sitting on the floor with my head whipping around and the rest of my crazy motors . Everyone was so worried about me and they kept asking what to do and its not like that stressed me out more, but it made it harder for me to have the stupid attacks without feeling like I’m a failure. I didn’t even get back to work until almost 1 because it was so bad… and insult to injury… I even tinkled my pants a bit because of how severe the jerking was. I wanted to go home early, asked if it was ok … and I still left at the end of my shift. it reminded me … I need to make a better life. I want to make a better life for us and do better. I have an opportunity here I don’t want to screw up… M went down to the kitchen to get my Bowling bag full of pills and something to drink in a real cup… he didn’t want to bring one of the sippy cups up for me… I’d like to think that had to do with leaving me least SOME dignity. It meant the world to me.

I just think its so stupid…so beyond stupid … a lot of people tell me that bullshit saying that like … “Life is 10% what happens and 90% how to I react to it” … well, its SHIT. how the hell do you NOT react badly to something that causes you to end up on the floor having convulsions and hitting yourself in the head. I’m there on the floor and all I can think about is this old icon that I have on the LiveJournal Image …are you there God?  What the hell? What the hell… really? I’ve read the books … I’ve studied different texts… Moses had a speech problem, Paul had his thorn in the flesh, Leah couldn’t see, Miriam had leprosy…Jacob had a limp. They all did great things (whether they’re real or not doesn’t matter to me right now)  … but whats going to happen to me? What am I ever going to do other than cry? Or feel like I’m only here to wonder what the point is? This group of disorders only serves to steal parts of me away and make me sit and CRY my EYES OUT because everything hurts so bad…

And my feelings have been hurt for days by someone I consider a new friend. She’s got TS too and corpro pretty bad…but she found a website that’s working on training service dogs for people with Tourette’s … but the age range is only 18-25… I don’t understand why they have an age thing on there. That’s not the point though … When I was trying to justify why it’s ok that I don’t qualify for like … anything… or any help other than medication and the fact that I have my chair and I have my crutches I get told: 

“Lol ok wheely”

“I know Mr Crutchy serves you well, but it can’t lick you on the nose when you’re having a bad day.”

Sometimes I know how much of an idiot I can be … about not wanting to get the accommodations …because its going to mean that I’ve got to admit even more that there’s something wrong… That I have to sit there and really accept myself as who and what I am… and it doesn’t matter how much I try, how much I push myself … how much I convince myself otherwise… I end up back to the point that part of my brain is broken. Like I try to forget and convince myself sometimes that I’m normal…
…then I’m on the floor having a tic attack and wondering how did this happen to me. Why did this have to happen to me or anyone else …. Why does it have to get worse? Why did I have to have a nervous breakdown … why can’t I just have a few days that are normal…. I had a day yesterday where I wasn’t having crazy tics… and I’m not ticcing a lot right now because of all the medications and i have other stuff making me nuts, and hurting, and I’m alone… but I know when i get up tomorrow it’s going to suck again… Don’t call me names. Don’t make jokes. It’s mean…. it’s just not stopped bothering me. I know she wasn’t doing it to hurt me like that but I cant let it go.  OH! and insult to injury!!! Out of peer pressure I even contacted the service dog group!! even though I’m too old and they’ll just give up on me too. We’d never be able to afford that anyway… and I need to work and I need to do well for my family even if i have like … mental health problems. 
 
I hate admitting that, not only is it neurological…but mental health too…
 
Do you ever not want to try something because you’re scared of feeling more disabled? Or like… you have to give up? 
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PANIC!! (at the ShopRite)


Today was a day of mixed pride… and panic. I finally went to go get my PPD for the new job… and i’m really, really proud of myself for that. Most people who have had the unique pleasure of dealing with me know that I’m a gigantic chicken. I can’t hold still, I freak out over everything… and I hate having shots or needles anywhere near me.

Too much stress and drama as a girl… 

But, today, over at Building 5…at the nurses station… they managed to give me the injection on the first try without any problems. I’m so proud of myself… this is only like the 3rd thing they’ve ever been able to shoot me with that I didn’t freak out over. I know I’m too old to have a breakdown every time someone comes after me with a shot… and after having to epipen myself back in October… kinda puts things into perspective. 

So, I go back on Saturday… then the next step begins … and hopefully by 10/1 I might be part of the working world again… or something like that. Something.. I’m hopeful over this still… and kinda pissed the other place didn’t call me back when I was told that they would. I didn’t want to work for them anyway… but its just rude to not return calls. 

um… other than that… I hate the food store… and I’ve discovered that I really can’t go alone. I do my shopping in another stat, it’s cheaper for me to cross the boarder and go into jersey to shop at ShopRite. The prices are better, the people are nicer and blah blah blah. No one cares about all that stuff… it’s just a reason for me to cross the boarder and do something different. So, my mom and I went food shopping … wandered around the mall, talked, went to walmart … I had a small panic attack because it was busy …

…and we went to ShopRite…that store to some people wasn’t busy, but to me it was a busy nightmare. The stores around here aren’t that nuts all the time. I constantly felt like I was on the verge of a panic attack trying to do my coupons, get around the store, not smack into someone … not fall on the floor in a giant ticcing attack all curled up by the meat cases…

Not cry when I see my mom get so far ahead of me and i’m trapped in an obsessive ritual of going through each of my coupons, trying to find the product… counting, recounting, counting… putting everything in the cart the right way… cold in the back left… reusable bags, front left…. meat, back right … purse & list & coupons in the basket, purse on the bottom of the pile… produce over purse… if anything goes wrong… i start to lose it. 

I was in the checkout … my mom checked out first … im putting everything on the belt and already freaking out about money… I’m already starting to get the sick feeling… my arms are tight, my toes are curling under and i cant get them to move (even worse than they were all day so far) … i start leaving things off to the side… and then this woman comes up behind me … They start to check me out … i have my bags, coupons, bonus card, everything else … and then the total starts getting too high … the person at the register is moving too fast… i don’t have the money… I’m starting to panic, i cant breath… my chest is tight… my shoulders are jerking and my face is contorting more and its getting more and more obvious… I have to reshop things… i start counting coins …

“CAN YOU HURRY UP PLEASE, I HAVE TO GET MY KIDS FROM SCHOOL”

… and i’m starting to cry, I”m upset … i dont know what to do about it … my mom keeps telling me its fine, the other people from the store who work there are coming over to try ot help me feel better and to make it feel like no big deal… the line is getting bigger… my anxiety is going up… to many people… I’m slow and poor… I’m $27 short… the blond lady behind me picks up ALL her things… reloads her cart… and tells the people behind her to move and goes to get another line in a huff… and i start sobbing…i’m hearing voices in my head telling me about my inferiority… about my disabilities… about how im broken… my body sucks … I want to be normal…

…and my mom picks up the $27…so i’m ashamed… 

and we get out of the store before the blond lady even checked out … By the time i got home after that it was all too much for me … every part of my body hurts … i’m cramped in so many places I cant take it … the auras are incessant… i’m having floaters in blue, green, black and purple … my ears are ringing…  i’m starting to feel better now… its been hours…i mean… it’s not like ‘better-better’ … i can hardly walk… i wish i had something to help me…

but the pain is still here from me not taking the stress well… and I only had one attack today… it was after I got home…. so now I’m going to bed and loading myself up on drugs so maybe i can sleep.