I only have a few minutes because I have to get myself to work … I have so much I want to say and go over because of how awesome the weekend turned out to be….but I know I have to get myself organized… so, I guess I’ll start here and hope for the best…

Today… (I started this post BEFORE I went to work and like… ran out of time and had to get going) I burned myself so well… got an hour of overtime… and had vocals ALL DAY… my coworkers were pretty cool with it but I felt really bad for them. I had the “Pikachu” … I had the chirps/bleeks/animal sounds…and my motors weren’t as bad but I did have a few major motor problems. It’s so embarrassing for me. I want to just have to not… well… yeah… I just wish I could blend it and have no one could notice me too. Oh, and I burned myself really, really, really well. I got myself on the arm today… so after my other fiasco on Friday to burn myself again… it just made me feel bad. I annoy myself… Oh, and I got an hour of overtime. That’s going to be nice. I do really think I like working in Building 5. It’s a nice place… they’re good to me there. I’m slowly getting quicker at my job there and doing better with it. I hope to finally be up to speed soon… I still make a lot of stupid mistakes, but its a new kitchen and new everything so of course I wont know everything for a bit longer.

I did better on both tray-line and self serve…. so proud. I think I figured out a better way to get things done in a better order. I’ll have to see how it works tomorrow…. I hope it does. I was trying to hard to hold it together that I had to get home and take a nap. That’s not going to work for me tomorrow… I have to like… do the food shopping and MORE bill paying… I’m just so tired of hurting myself, I do it so much because of how I cant control all my movements…

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Yesterday I had that PINK meeting and I won a bunch of cool stuff for meeting my goals, I almost didn’t get to go because I spent the whole past 2 days screaming things like “Your moms a chicken nugget” and a few other profanities…. I hate that. I don’t usually have Corpo… but when I do it’s a pain in the butt and it makes me want to cry. I feel sick for all the people who have it all the time like that. I got pretty earrings, and a change purse, and a lunch bag…I need to try to do well. There are things I want to do but they need me to get paid first in order to do them….

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but I don’t ever get to eat lunch at work. I don’t think I ever will either….just one of those things. no time, I’mm too slow still and my stupid brain and movements get in the way… I had to use my crutch and I was pretty much locked up in the house all day with SCREAMING vocals until I had no voice left… So… I slept… and I did coupons and shopping lists and slept… and talked to my mommy…. and made lots of and lots of noise…

 

This weekend was AMAZING with the Tourette’s people and with the alumni band even if I did paint my pumpkin with a penis on top of it and didn’t know it until I got home and Davis pointed it out….

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ok… I have more I wanted to say but I don’t feel that good and I have a house to clean, coupons to do, laundry to organize… pictures to hang… and get myself organized to get to work tomorrow… I still need to try to get myself organized and see how I can make all of this work… I’m starting to get really stressed out over it … but not in the same way I use to get stressed over it… now its just like … omg…

everything is so new and I need to get on a medication regiment that works all the time and I can take all the time… I need more help around here but I don’t know how to be able to like … make that known and not sound like a bitch all the time… or a nag… or anything else? Does that make sense at all? But I don’t want to have to feel like I need to be the only one doing all the cleaning… or all the trash-outting… or everything else. It’s too much for me… I’m going to end back up on the valium. I want to be able to come home to a clean house sometimes too but I feel like it might not happen, you know? Like I don’t know what to do to make the things I want and need done be able to get done without just… without being the person that doesn’t want me to be? I feel like my anxiety is starting to go back up already… I don’t want to be passing out every day after work because I cant handle the stress… I don’t know what I should be able to do…

So… with all that bitching done.. I need to get back to making my shopping list, price comparing on shoprites website… doing lozo and getting the stuff organized enough for tomorrow… I CAN do this. I WILL do this… This will work out so well….

The post that took 14 hours to finally do.

adventures in compassionate conservatism, mental hospitals and crutches


While I was in the car today on the way over to Building 5 to get my PPD read there was a commercial on the radio… I actually had to pull over by the signal because I was so struck dumb. So, NTs and nots, I quote in true MOVIEFONE guy voice, flashlight held up to my face…

“Several mental patients have escaped the state hospital. They are rumored to be hiding in an abandoned barn. Local residents have been reported missing. Neighbors of the barn have heard strange noises near the barn and believe people are being tortured there.”

:: clears throat… followed by gagging noise::

Are you fucking kidding me?!

Seriously…

No, really?! If I bang my head on the steering wheel do you think anyone driving by will notice?

I did it,

I seriously did it.

I sat there, hands at “10 n’ 2” banging my head on the wheel until I realized that I made the mistake of listening to the local pop station, which is now owned by I<3Radio…and I usually only listen to my IPOD because I can’t stand the idea of loosing any more brain cells than necessary… (how many times can anyone hear “blurred lines” anyway)

THIS IS PART OF THE PROBLEM

How do this this that this is ok?! How can you joke about that. I AM ONE OF THOSE MENTAL PATIENTS. my FRIENDS are those ‘mental patients’ … my LOVED ONES…. my BROTHERS AND SISTERS… my soul family. For Profit some STUPID, seasonal, neurotypical owned haunted attraction is going to once again stigmatize and stereotype anyone and everyone who suffers from a mental/neurological/emotional disorder.  I can’t fight every battle, I can’t take this to the streets and make people not go… I understand the power of the dollar and how many people enjoy the idea of being scared out of their shorts one month a year by a bunch of costumed assholes jumping out of doorways.

But it makes me sick… it makes me sick that the suffering of my brothers, my sisters is a joke … is a money making scheme… that will only continue to make the lives of the mentally ill community even harder. This is NOT a joke… people suffer, people die… people are ignored, isolated, broken all the way from their bodies and spirits because of things like this and what it causes the rest of the world to do. By treating all of us like escaped criminals how will anything EVER get better… it wont.

it wont. in my life time, it won’t. I don’t know if it will ever have a change unless there’s a way to cure Neurodiversity and make everyone Neurotypical we will always be the persecuted group… the joke… the laughing stock… the people who are belittled and live in silence because the majority are going to think we’re all loose cannons …

GUESS WHAT NEUROTYPICALS… WE’RE MORE LIKELY TO OFF OURSELVES BECAUSE OF YOUR BAD BEHAVIOR than we would hurt any of you lot

ok, time for a few deep breaths… and NO, I still don’t have Tuberculosis…not in my left or right arms. and I can’t say that if someone could take a way MOST of my issues I’d tell them no, because there are parts of my problems that I’d get rid of in a heart beat… but, for the most part… I value my neurodiversity… I value the perspective it gives me on life, the universe, and everything and I think that it’s something that’s helped me… when it’s not getting in my way, breaking my heard, or causing me to run away because of my constant feelings of inferiority… or when its causing me to overdraw my bank account to pay for my medications… or doctor bills… or emergency room trips… or nightmares… or …

oh hell, this whole thing sucks.

wait… I know something else I wanted to talk about… something that’s a bit off topic, but talking about my neurological  shortcomings, differences and emotional issues….

I hate those god damn, yard inflatables…You know what I mean? Those stupid, parachute noisy yard hogs that no one can seem to just have ONE of?!

they seriously cause me rage… I hate them…

so, of course my lovely husband had to buy one of them last year… I  (not-so) secretly hope it gets stolen, or blows away in a hurricane… but, since I have like … nothing better to do until I have orientation at work on the 2nd in the morning, meeting at St. Anne’s for CPE in the afternoon… and my mom is coming over tomorrow… and bread baking, house cleaning… and, not to mention being SO FAR OVERDRAWN I not only could throw up, but have the trots at the same time.

OH…but about the yard stufties….

ImageImageI now have one… and it’s still there… no one popped it or stole it… We’ll see what happens in the coming month…Oh…and if the government shuts down…that means NIH will have their research destroyed…and since movement disorder and psychological disorder aren’t considered critical… we’ll be worse off…and I won’t get my EUC…No matter what, I’ll always be a compassionate Conservative….instead of this crap we’re doing now…

“I think we should adopt the slogan of compassionate conservatism…We can be fiscally conservative without losing our commitment to the needy and we must redirect our policy in that direction.” —Rep. James Robert Jones

So, because I want to end on a more positive note… and a bit less random, and angry…  I got one of the sweetest complements of my life from a dear, dear friend (and talented 1st chair bass clarinet player circa 2002-ish) … I’m going to put that here too.

“I’d like to thank Juliet Robinson for the inspiration to do this. I find her an amazingly strong and brave woman who has no qualms of talking about her own personal struggles. More people should be putting themselves out there to vent, or ask for help.”

and with that… off to bed…time to think about a lot of the other things going on that are worth being excited over (and broke)…oh, and I love my crutches…so comfortable…and so pretty. I love feeling stable and secure and not have to worry about the crap associated with being a cripple. Oh, and only one attack today, in public… I was out this morning on the way to do my errands and I ended up having screaming tics… and shaking but it was ok. I was stable. 🙂
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::end transmission::