But I don’t want another breakdown…


The voices in my head have been unbearable for the past week, I’m not sure what to do about them…. its actually scaring me. I talked to my mom about this stuff a bit… she has voices too and she has things like I do too…and she has to spend most of her day trying to make them go away….because she feels like I do a lot too. But, she can make them go away. I can’t ever make mine stop. I desprstly want them to stop, or give me a break….

Constantly I’m reminded of how much I fail, how bad I am… how worthless I am, and why I’m such a mistake. I can’t even stand it… today when I had a gigantic tic attack at work I just hid in the stairwell and cried. I cried my eyes out while I’m flailing on the floor because I feel like such a stupid mistake….like…why would anyone want some one like me working… like I’m the worst prep cook in the history of building 5….I even apologised to one of my bosses  for being such a gigantic bucket of fail. He looked at me all confused over it.  I felt stupid again.

I can’t have another breakdown… I can’t do that… I have to find a way to hold it together…perminangly…even when I have solemner making me feel worthless everyday…and making me feel like I cant do anything right… like I’m just a mistake and they’ll never want to keep me… I’m just still really upset over yesterday…or maybe it was sunday….

I’ve had my 3rd anaphylactic incident this month….so instead of asking someone else to go check for me I was going to go upstairs and look for myself…and go talk to whoever does that ordering because theyre still ordering them in. I got stopped in the elevator by one boss who got so upset with me for wanting to see cor myself. She reamed me out over it and how bad I am … irresponcable….dangerous….but its my body… …I get ambushed constantly…I newton know its gone because I know where it is. And why is it ok for them to send me up but not ok for me to go up on my own to see? Why did it i have to get to this point, anyway…..

S it… its late…. I have more to say… but it can wait for the sun to come up…I already slept for 6 hours… that’s another thing that has me worried about another breakdown too..but in s have been hard …and busy…and humiliating…and other things….

How did I ever get through life…and now since like…..late 2011/2012 things have been abysmal…. what is wrong with me… why can’t our life be better… how can I fix this nightmare?

adventures in compassionate conservatism, mental hospitals and crutches


While I was in the car today on the way over to Building 5 to get my PPD read there was a commercial on the radio… I actually had to pull over by the signal because I was so struck dumb. So, NTs and nots, I quote in true MOVIEFONE guy voice, flashlight held up to my face…

“Several mental patients have escaped the state hospital. They are rumored to be hiding in an abandoned barn. Local residents have been reported missing. Neighbors of the barn have heard strange noises near the barn and believe people are being tortured there.”

:: clears throat… followed by gagging noise::

Are you fucking kidding me?!

Seriously…

No, really?! If I bang my head on the steering wheel do you think anyone driving by will notice?

I did it,

I seriously did it.

I sat there, hands at “10 n’ 2” banging my head on the wheel until I realized that I made the mistake of listening to the local pop station, which is now owned by I<3Radio…and I usually only listen to my IPOD because I can’t stand the idea of loosing any more brain cells than necessary… (how many times can anyone hear “blurred lines” anyway)

THIS IS PART OF THE PROBLEM

How do this this that this is ok?! How can you joke about that. I AM ONE OF THOSE MENTAL PATIENTS. my FRIENDS are those ‘mental patients’ … my LOVED ONES…. my BROTHERS AND SISTERS… my soul family. For Profit some STUPID, seasonal, neurotypical owned haunted attraction is going to once again stigmatize and stereotype anyone and everyone who suffers from a mental/neurological/emotional disorder.  I can’t fight every battle, I can’t take this to the streets and make people not go… I understand the power of the dollar and how many people enjoy the idea of being scared out of their shorts one month a year by a bunch of costumed assholes jumping out of doorways.

But it makes me sick… it makes me sick that the suffering of my brothers, my sisters is a joke … is a money making scheme… that will only continue to make the lives of the mentally ill community even harder. This is NOT a joke… people suffer, people die… people are ignored, isolated, broken all the way from their bodies and spirits because of things like this and what it causes the rest of the world to do. By treating all of us like escaped criminals how will anything EVER get better… it wont.

it wont. in my life time, it won’t. I don’t know if it will ever have a change unless there’s a way to cure Neurodiversity and make everyone Neurotypical we will always be the persecuted group… the joke… the laughing stock… the people who are belittled and live in silence because the majority are going to think we’re all loose cannons …

GUESS WHAT NEUROTYPICALS… WE’RE MORE LIKELY TO OFF OURSELVES BECAUSE OF YOUR BAD BEHAVIOR than we would hurt any of you lot

ok, time for a few deep breaths… and NO, I still don’t have Tuberculosis…not in my left or right arms. and I can’t say that if someone could take a way MOST of my issues I’d tell them no, because there are parts of my problems that I’d get rid of in a heart beat… but, for the most part… I value my neurodiversity… I value the perspective it gives me on life, the universe, and everything and I think that it’s something that’s helped me… when it’s not getting in my way, breaking my heard, or causing me to run away because of my constant feelings of inferiority… or when its causing me to overdraw my bank account to pay for my medications… or doctor bills… or emergency room trips… or nightmares… or …

oh hell, this whole thing sucks.

wait… I know something else I wanted to talk about… something that’s a bit off topic, but talking about my neurological  shortcomings, differences and emotional issues….

I hate those god damn, yard inflatables…You know what I mean? Those stupid, parachute noisy yard hogs that no one can seem to just have ONE of?!

they seriously cause me rage… I hate them…

so, of course my lovely husband had to buy one of them last year… I  (not-so) secretly hope it gets stolen, or blows away in a hurricane… but, since I have like … nothing better to do until I have orientation at work on the 2nd in the morning, meeting at St. Anne’s for CPE in the afternoon… and my mom is coming over tomorrow… and bread baking, house cleaning… and, not to mention being SO FAR OVERDRAWN I not only could throw up, but have the trots at the same time.

OH…but about the yard stufties….

ImageImageI now have one… and it’s still there… no one popped it or stole it… We’ll see what happens in the coming month…Oh…and if the government shuts down…that means NIH will have their research destroyed…and since movement disorder and psychological disorder aren’t considered critical… we’ll be worse off…and I won’t get my EUC…No matter what, I’ll always be a compassionate Conservative….instead of this crap we’re doing now…

“I think we should adopt the slogan of compassionate conservatism…We can be fiscally conservative without losing our commitment to the needy and we must redirect our policy in that direction.” —Rep. James Robert Jones

So, because I want to end on a more positive note… and a bit less random, and angry…  I got one of the sweetest complements of my life from a dear, dear friend (and talented 1st chair bass clarinet player circa 2002-ish) … I’m going to put that here too.

“I’d like to thank Juliet Robinson for the inspiration to do this. I find her an amazingly strong and brave woman who has no qualms of talking about her own personal struggles. More people should be putting themselves out there to vent, or ask for help.”

and with that… off to bed…time to think about a lot of the other things going on that are worth being excited over (and broke)…oh, and I love my crutches…so comfortable…and so pretty. I love feeling stable and secure and not have to worry about the crap associated with being a cripple. Oh, and only one attack today, in public… I was out this morning on the way to do my errands and I ended up having screaming tics… and shaking but it was ok. I was stable. 🙂
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::end transmission::

PANIC!! (at the ShopRite)


Today was a day of mixed pride… and panic. I finally went to go get my PPD for the new job… and i’m really, really proud of myself for that. Most people who have had the unique pleasure of dealing with me know that I’m a gigantic chicken. I can’t hold still, I freak out over everything… and I hate having shots or needles anywhere near me.

Too much stress and drama as a girl… 

But, today, over at Building 5…at the nurses station… they managed to give me the injection on the first try without any problems. I’m so proud of myself… this is only like the 3rd thing they’ve ever been able to shoot me with that I didn’t freak out over. I know I’m too old to have a breakdown every time someone comes after me with a shot… and after having to epipen myself back in October… kinda puts things into perspective. 

So, I go back on Saturday… then the next step begins … and hopefully by 10/1 I might be part of the working world again… or something like that. Something.. I’m hopeful over this still… and kinda pissed the other place didn’t call me back when I was told that they would. I didn’t want to work for them anyway… but its just rude to not return calls. 

um… other than that… I hate the food store… and I’ve discovered that I really can’t go alone. I do my shopping in another stat, it’s cheaper for me to cross the boarder and go into jersey to shop at ShopRite. The prices are better, the people are nicer and blah blah blah. No one cares about all that stuff… it’s just a reason for me to cross the boarder and do something different. So, my mom and I went food shopping … wandered around the mall, talked, went to walmart … I had a small panic attack because it was busy …

…and we went to ShopRite…that store to some people wasn’t busy, but to me it was a busy nightmare. The stores around here aren’t that nuts all the time. I constantly felt like I was on the verge of a panic attack trying to do my coupons, get around the store, not smack into someone … not fall on the floor in a giant ticcing attack all curled up by the meat cases…

Not cry when I see my mom get so far ahead of me and i’m trapped in an obsessive ritual of going through each of my coupons, trying to find the product… counting, recounting, counting… putting everything in the cart the right way… cold in the back left… reusable bags, front left…. meat, back right … purse & list & coupons in the basket, purse on the bottom of the pile… produce over purse… if anything goes wrong… i start to lose it. 

I was in the checkout … my mom checked out first … im putting everything on the belt and already freaking out about money… I’m already starting to get the sick feeling… my arms are tight, my toes are curling under and i cant get them to move (even worse than they were all day so far) … i start leaving things off to the side… and then this woman comes up behind me … They start to check me out … i have my bags, coupons, bonus card, everything else … and then the total starts getting too high … the person at the register is moving too fast… i don’t have the money… I’m starting to panic, i cant breath… my chest is tight… my shoulders are jerking and my face is contorting more and its getting more and more obvious… I have to reshop things… i start counting coins …

“CAN YOU HURRY UP PLEASE, I HAVE TO GET MY KIDS FROM SCHOOL”

… and i’m starting to cry, I”m upset … i dont know what to do about it … my mom keeps telling me its fine, the other people from the store who work there are coming over to try ot help me feel better and to make it feel like no big deal… the line is getting bigger… my anxiety is going up… to many people… I’m slow and poor… I’m $27 short… the blond lady behind me picks up ALL her things… reloads her cart… and tells the people behind her to move and goes to get another line in a huff… and i start sobbing…i’m hearing voices in my head telling me about my inferiority… about my disabilities… about how im broken… my body sucks … I want to be normal…

…and my mom picks up the $27…so i’m ashamed… 

and we get out of the store before the blond lady even checked out … By the time i got home after that it was all too much for me … every part of my body hurts … i’m cramped in so many places I cant take it … the auras are incessant… i’m having floaters in blue, green, black and purple … my ears are ringing…  i’m starting to feel better now… its been hours…i mean… it’s not like ‘better-better’ … i can hardly walk… i wish i had something to help me…

but the pain is still here from me not taking the stress well… and I only had one attack today… it was after I got home…. so now I’m going to bed and loading myself up on drugs so maybe i can sleep.