a 5-day journaling break … but definitely no vacation.

I feel like crap. No, that’s definitely an insult to crap.

This falls under the category of “death warmed over

I started to fail a few days ago, right when I thought I was going to post something about my OCD…. Oh wait… I found the post … go back and look at the thing thats posted from the 18th… I kinda passed out and forgot about it… so I did it now and I really missed the whole POINT of the post … I just left it out … The point of the matter is even with medication, nothing says that all of my problems can be controlled, or even taken care of. There is no magic bullet, there is no cure… there is only ways to take the edge off.

I think of my OCD as a hangover … you can drink black coffee, you can eat something greasy, or try a Hair-Of-The-Dog… In the end, all you can do is let it run the course it must run and it’ll pass… until (in the case of hangovers) you’re stupid enough to go overboard again. Or, (when we talk about OCD) there’s another trigger and all of the stuff that you’ve been so proud of causes you to backslide into oblivion.

Usually, for me… the only other big thing that makes me collapse into a sea of OCD nothingness are my teeth. If there is anything wrong with my teeth it’s enough to make me almost lose my mind. I will be trapped in front of the bathroom mirror, with another mirror, Checking…examining… exploring… checking the inside of my mouth. Trapped by bounds of symmetry and order. Knowing there’s a hole in the one side of my mouth and not the other… knowing that one side of my mouth has been contaminated, while the other isn’t. Anxiety of things getting bigger and getting worse no matter what happens. Intrusive thoughts about my own failure for letting this happen. Then, to top it all off… demanding reassurance that things aren’t getting worse, in a time that’s SO short that things are impossible to happen… things are going to get better.

So, the same day I have my consult with the new neuro is the same day I’m getting this tooth fixed. I just have to let it hang tight until then. But… the ‘DentTemp’ stuff is keeping the OCD more under control so I can get through my day… that, and the upped medication.

wait… lemme back track… That’s how this whole problem started… the medication… We upped the Wellbutrin because… well… thats an even longer story. We started it back in the beginning of this year, and it was making me not sleep, so we dropped it, then upped it … then I went on the 9th and we decided it was time to go back to the suggested dose again. It might help me loose that 22# I need to get down anyway…

but… We’re keeping the rest of the controlled substances the same…but…  We added an ass load of new supplements… well, re-added. We added Magnesium L-threonate, because it can cross the blood-brain barrier and improve cognitive function… we brought back the Fish Oil, the 2000mg of Calcium and 2500mg  D3, 250 regular magnesium because of the nerve and muscle function problems I have …. a multi-vitamin to make up for all the other things I lack… B-6 because of it’s dopaminergic properties….

and then…. then there is N-Acety L-Cysteine… According to a study started in 2012 by Yale University 1 600mg capsule twice a day for 2 weeks… and then 2 600mg capsules twice a day for the remaining 10 weeks of the trial proved effective in children with TS. There was Improvement of Premonitory Urges, and PUTS and the YTS. So, they tried it …. on me earlier, before the breakdown and I ended up getting very sick and my allergy-induced asthma. But, that was attributed to other things, like the Effexor almost killing me and blah blah blah. But, we need to keep me stable until 12/9 when I see the new specialists….

instead…. I ended up having an ocean of spaz in my chest at work on Monday to the point that I thought I was having a heart attack … and ended up at the doctor on Tuesday on MEGA doses of asthma meds to try to make better the fact that I’m constantly surrounded by Aloe and other things that can kill me constantly … because my lungs are “clear” but in a constant state of spaz…. Time to get the spaz to stop…

So I slept all day, Bunny cooked for me … and now its time for MORE medication and back to bed, I do have work in the morning… and I WILL be bright eyed and bushy tailed for it … need to prove myself to them …..

oh snap… I need sleep…