I dreamed a dream… and it was flipping twisted

So, I don’t normally remember my dreams… in theory I =have= to dream because I sleep…. but normally I have no idea what gets left behind. Except… a few days ago, and it keeps coming back to bother me. 


I’m in the car… and we’re driving towards my moms from Clinton but everything around us is on fire. It looks like the scene from Sonic 3 after you fight Fire Breath? 



But, New Jersey…we were heading to her house … and everything around us was flames…So, when we went to my parents house for the Old Mans birthday on the 25th, I actually couldn’t have Davis drive that way to get to their house… I was so freaked out. I kinda thought it was like what nuclear war would look like or something… I don’t know. It freaked me out. I’ve been too lazy to go and get my dream dictionary and see what it has to say about that. Part of me doesn’t want to know, just because it’s always something so benign and like (why was I worried about it?! or scared by it?!) 

I think it’s just the idea of doom about having to go see the old man for his birthday, I’ve still not recovered from the last fiasco with him where “bakers are a dime a dozen, why would I need you” … granted, he’s always been a dick…but STILL…

Imageyep, happy family right there


Wait… where was I? Oh yeah… A totally different topic! Like last nights picture showed I got my crutches!! I’m so excited to use them! So far they’re red… my chair was red too when I got it but we took care of THAT little problem… I think i’ll paint them to match my chair… I love that paint it’s amazing… and there’s always spray for plastic stuff too, or I could make a cover… the past few days my tics and stuff haven’t been too too bad… that’s been a perk… I think… it’s always weird when my med doses change again …even if its just a little adjustment it makes a big difference… like taking the Clonidine at 4-6 hours instead of 8… it’s back to doing the stupid charting of symptoms….seeing when it wears off… what I need to do about it… when to take a whole or a half… once that’s over it makes life easier…maybe. 


My optimism fails constantly. So, today is baking, beading and crutch dis-assembly and painting… photographic evidence to follow… and potentially more of my oddities and ramblings … 


Oh, and the lovely Margie has finally convinced me that I need to turn Confessions of a Girl into a real book … more information to follow… 


The comfort of anonymity…

O-M-G …. I know second daily today… I go couple days without doing some than out of nowhere I do two! I should’ve been doing my woman’s work today… but instead after my ranting and raving I ended up going over to the mall… Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know… Mall on a Sunday with a disability never good idea.  And I went alone.  I had a coupon to go to this store that I love, L’Occitane En Provence to get a mini facial and that was really nice.

The whole thing with the title is that I used my chair today.  Yesterday was a really bad day and I spent so much time having fits, and all sorts of jerking and contortions, and today I’m still having a lot of different spasms.  Specially my face, really bad grimace going and squeezes my eyes shut.  Not to mention it hurts the corners of my mouth and my tongue. I had a lot of shaking to today.  The shoulder and torso jerk that are the ones that cause all the pain in my back.  So, you put those two main things together and I’m not exactly a happy camper… So this is another Dragon speak post.  I really like using this thing, especially when I’m having… having attacks. a really short classifies as an attack if it’s just a whole day of crap.  And recently it’s just been whole days crap.


So I went to L’Occitane and they were pretty good with the wheelchair with me and being patient when I was moving and stuff.  I know a lot of samples.  It was kind of nice to feel pretty I don’t do my own makeup very well because of always moving.  And I always poke myself in the eyes with the mascara and with all my brushes.  It was nice to have somebody explain things to me again because I don’t remember a lot of the stuff they tell me my memory is short.  My attention span is bad and I like when people do it for me because then it actually looks nice instead of like crap… I’ve also kind of listen to some of my mom’s advice (yeah shocking) and I had to get some kind of tinted moisturizer to make my face look finished… you know that whole stupid idea of natural makeup vs. looking natural …she actually has a point.  For once.  

When in my chair.  There’s a lot of mixed reactions.  

Some people recognize me from being able to walk around shaking, other people recognize me from using my crutch, and it’s also hard when I’ve had days room with somebody and they see me being able to walk normal.  But the good thing about being in a chair is that no one seems to see me… I can have my normal issues and nobody really cares because if you’re in a chair  It’s almost assume that you have reason for it. I actually felt like I was able to enjoy my time out so by people without being afraid of how I looked, and how much pain I’d be in later… I’m not totally exhausted either that’s a relief  In and of itself …because that’s my biggest bitch right now and one of my bigger fears is that when I get a job.  I’m constantly exhausted from trying to hold my body together and from the medication.. How am I going handle it? there’s not much I can do about keeping myself awake if the clonidine is in a knock me out no matter what I do. I just like getting to be invisible.  I finally get to feel like everybody else who’s at the mall that nobody sees.  I don’t have kids laughing at my vocal tics.  I don’t feel like people are staring at me because my arms are jerking out at odd angles or my legs are misbehaving…or my face is so contorted that it’s painful and I can even talk.  I’m just another person at the mall as part of the scenery…. Sometimes I wonder how much people take that for granted.

 You know what I mean? the ability to just walk around, or go somewhere and sit in no matter where you are. you can go to any dentist that you want in the state because you don’t have to worry if your wall fied to work on people with disabilities, you can apply for any job that you want and not have to worry about their record of treatment for people with disabilities or if they’re equipped to deal with you, work there patient enough to work with you.  You can go out anytime, anywhere, anyhow and not have to think about taking medication, or having it with you, or having attack. go to any restaurant in the mall food court and not have to worry about food allergies… Or try on perfume, potion, makeup and not have to check for jojoba, or Aloe, or parabens, or some other random oil, extract, scent… That’s going to send you to the emergency room and need the EpiPen…

My wheelchair grants me freedom… People are cautious… People ignore me… And in a sick way I love it.  I’m always grateful for days that I can get around on my own 2 feet… Because I know that that’s not guaranteed for any of us fight.  I also know that when I need my chair.  I am always grateful to know that it’s in the back of my car and I can just blend into the background. 


Well, it’s getting to the point that I really need to trying get this woman’s work done around here.  This house isn’t clean itself… So I think that’s enough for me right now.  Hopefully tomorrow will bring more good things… And I might find those God damn earrings that I lost on Saturday.  They were new too!!!! Dangily sonic the hedgehog with Swarovski crystals… so crap…


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