when self doubt and panic rear their ugly head


I’m better than I was … but I’m not there yet… I have this problem and I know it’s, I guess it would be normal.  But since I only know what’s going on in my head.  I don’t necessarily know what normal could be.  Sometimes I wonder from looking for things that are wrong with me to find answers or to justify who and what I am.  I’ve been collecting paperwork all day trying to get enough documentation together for Taz and for one of the programs that were looking at help us and it was going fine for most of the day until my ocean of self doubt started rolling over me… I kind of think of it like a tsunami.  At first I’m doing fine and he pulls everything back.  I guess it’s the seabed… And you think everything’s okay.. .  But then everything wars back up and for me it’s the self-doubt in the panic and looking back to where I was two and three years ago…and then I have doubts.  And then I question my own reality. 

Someone told me once that’s how you know there’s a DID component… that separation of reality that causes you to think you’re disconnected from your body… Like you’re just watching everything happen but you’re not there. that’s kinda like how my panic starts… How money doubt and my…um… Overwhelmed feeling comes in…

Are ever my dad telling me the kids everything I did was for attention… Everything… So I didn’t have an original idea in my entire pathetic little head.. It always was who’s doing that or who thought of this or why would you do with that what one of your friends had it first. even if it was just me… And it gave me this feeling of inadequacy because I never could accept anything that was my own as my own, I had to question where it came from, I have a question my reasoning behind it, my need behind it, or even question myself and find all this doubt about every single little thing that I did… The voices in my head didn’t help with that at all! so now were looking at Taz and my allergies and the other problems that I’ve had since about 2007… 

My mom thinks that I was ok before… that everything came up more recently… that I need to stop internalizing… I need to know people have bad days and its got nothing to do with me … it’s a problem I’ve had for my whole life, but that doesn’t make it any better that doesn’t mean it shouldn’t you do something about it … you know? 

 

So, I’m on the hunt for records trying to get the stuff I need… And I’m afraid of not getting the doctors verbal approval… oh, and a letter too … Im overwhelmed… but Im always overwhelmed… I should go back outside and like … do more yard work to clear my head… burn off some of this … and take some of my OCD meds… 

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It’s been so long since I posted… I might have forgotten how to do it!


Well, first I lost my password, then I made a new one and I couldn’t remember it … then there were a lot of other excuses that really don’t matter now do they? But… I’ve had so much to say… for like … WEEKS now…WEEKS … and I don’t even know where to start and where to stop anymore… I have a really cool opportunity coming up, but that opportunity comes with a lot of work… The funny thing is I’m not afraid of working for it.  I’m just afraid of failure!!! .  I guess everyone’s afraid of failure aren’t they?

I’m start the middle of this story, so Tourette’s Camp was supposed to be the first weekend of the month and I tried to go to was there for like a day… That’s right after I got the EEG taken off my head and when I get there.  All the hand sanitizer is full of aloe! there are wipes with aloe in them too …so I made a note but I told them that the wipes were toxic and I need to stay away from them… The next morning I go to the cabin to get breakfast and I walk into the meeting hall and it’s just overwhelming, every bottle of hand sanitizer has aloe in it it just takes my breath away!! so I had to leave my keyboard there and come home from camp …the only good this is that I got to spend two days with my mom. and we had a good time.

So right after that ice start looking for things to do about this allergy because it’s really ruining my life, and I found a service dog organization that specializes in allergy alert dogs, well I’ve been looking at service dogs for a while now because of the Tourette’s… But I keep getting told that I’m not severe enough, not sick enough, to old… You know what I mean?   I felt like I need help  and nobody cares because I’m a grownup!! .  But, I looked for allergy dogs to but no one was willing to do  training on a dog for aloe because it’s not been done before, at least not documented.  But Angel service dogs said they’d be willing to try… I’m so touched they’d be willing to try and I got a lot of my paperwork together, but I needed to get a note from my doctor saying that I have these allergies.

 

So I go two days ago… And they refused to give it to me because they feel like there’s not enough documentation of my aloe allergy and that it’s not severe enough, it’s not bad enough, and that there is no reason for me to be that and really I’m just doing it for attention… Times do you have to go into anaphylactic shock, or lease start going into anaphylactic reaction before someone takes it seriously? and I know that aloe is a rare allergy but it’s getting more common with the stuff being everything. so I had to make appointment with an allergist who wants me off of all of my allergies stuff for a week before  I’m already miserable!!!! I’m a total hot mess without it!! oh, and the office that I always go to.  Except for on Tuesday when I just went to the walk-in clinic because I don’t haveinsurance and I just had to go get  antibiotics because I’m sick from not taking my allergy stuff for a few days anyway … The office was aloe FROM WHEN I WALKED IN THE DOOR so I’m sitting there sounding like I have bronchitis and that still wasn’t enough to convince them of my problem

funny thing about them not giving me the note confirming my aloe allergy is that I got discharge papers that have it listed is my allergy on it and that’s enough documentation for the service dog people.  Because it’s a document from my doctor’s office. so they said I’d get a call back on Friday and they never did!!! I feel like it might be time for me to find a new doctor because they don’t take me seriously… I know I can be a handful, I know I have a lot of problems and, bit of a hypochondriac… But since Dr. Adam left the practice and this new woman got there… blah… oh, I owe them money too…I feel like I owe money to everybody.  Sometimes.

So hopefully I would be on the allergy dog website soon, and I’ll be a will post the link on here and give you guys updates for when I know anything…

Speaking of updates…. My disability hearing was scheduled for September too, it’s going to be on the 8th in the morning… Kinda scared about that too, and my lawyers pissed because I haven’t got my paperwork to her and the updated record stuff hasn’t arrived and they want money that I don’t have. I know I have to go down there on Monday and drop off everything that I can to them and run a budget errands to get paperwork filled out… I’m dragging my feet because I’m scared of what they’re going to say.  And I know that’s wrong.  And I know that this is the right thing to do… I just have to get myself motivated to go take care of it…

I just wish I knew what to do about the records, they didn’t get there yet and I need to get more records it’s probably only because I try to get them before and they said I owed the money and I never could pay it… So I don’t know.

 

okay, I think this post is almost long enough…

One more thing!!!! I quit the old bakery and I started a new one on Monday.  It’s pretty good so far.  The only bad thing is that the guy work with really likes talk radio… And it’s all like the paranormal channels… It drives me pretty crazy… but compared to what I went through the last place I could deal with anything!

Muller Yogurt and the GoVoxBox review


I’m still not up to talking about my medical stuff… so I’m going to continue enjoying my #GOVOXBOX from #Influenster! To get my #MullerQuaker badge. So, I have a bunch of things I get to answer so I might get the excitement of ANOTHER voxbox…or coupons… or free stuff! It makes me so happy and so excited. 

Oh, before I forget… I have to do the usual disclaimer. I got the coupon for the #MullerQuaker yogurt for free, complements of Influenster for testing and review purposes

 

I use to hate yogurt, I use to hate anything that had that texture to it… it just grosses me out. I hated the texture until I met GREEK YOGURT. Now it’s something I don’t just eat, I enjoy! it’s really funny to me how my opinion changed. I really like it for a snack either after I get out of work in the morning, or in the afternoon before I go to bed (3rd shift problems, you know). I always feel like I’m hungry but never want to eat something heavy when I know I’m just going to fall asleep anyway! So, this makes the perfect thing for me. I like putting some fresh berries and my homemade granola on top too. I like the crunch the granola adds… and I just love fresh berries. 

It asked me for a tip, I’m not so sure I have any tips other than not to be scared to branch out… if I let myself be too …um… held by by thinking that I don’t like yogurt I never would have tried this for the first time and never would have known that I liked it! 

The GoVoxBox


I’m a member of influenster and it’s really cool, because I get to try products for free and review them … and then get more free products.  It’s pretty cool, it can be a lot of work for me to remember to keep up with it… but I like it a lot. I’ve been a member since 2012, but this is the first year Ive ever gotten boxes. I cant even believe I’ve gotten 2 this year. So, this is my 2nd one… and it’s the #GoVoxBox… and one of the bonus tasks is to write a blog post about what I got and stuff. Usually this is all about my TS and other issues like that… but today… it’sall about the stuff I got as presents in my box! Woohoo!!So, here are the contents of my box, one thing at a time … with the good, the bad, the allergic… and the other!

Playtex Sport Fresh Balance: Well, I got a box of Tampons in here, they’re the sport ones … and I’ve never used one of them before (wow, I just admitted this in public that I don’t use them!) . So… I either have to suck it up and actually TRY one of those scary looking things, or… donate them… or give them to one of my friends or sisters. I can’t decide yet… The possibilities…

Vitamin Shoppe Next Step Fit N Full Protein Shake: I’ve not tried this yet… I looked at it and I was kinda leery… I’m going to see if Davis is going to try it since he’s doing the slimfast thing… this might be a better choice. I cant taste the chocolate flavor because of allergies, and there’s another one Im not sure of yet either. We’ll see, one of us will get it

Blue Diamond Blueberry Flavored Almonds: omg. I love them. I already got the first extra badge that goes with this so Im thrilled… they’re so good and I like blueberry, but I think I’ll like the raspberry too! I was glad to have them. I love any kind of nut that’s made in a peanut free facility!

Profoot Triad Orthodic AND Profoot Pedi Rock: I put the insoles in my sneakers already and they feel so good. Well, they didn’t feel good at first because I’ve never had 3/4 length insoles before, so it was weird… but I have a lot of room in my toes in my shoes. I need to try the soft rock thing on my heels when I finally get a girly day to myself! They really are good insoles, but I need to get another glue dot for the bottom because I feel like they’re moving.

Aqua Spa Body Creme: I am so beyond touched by the kindness of the people at AquaSpa. When I got the box I posted the picture on Instagram and they replied to me hoping that I would enjoy it … and I told them that because the product has aloe in it I can’t use it, but I’m going to happily give it to someone I know to try it. They immediately offered to replace the product for me and send me something else I can try that I’m not allergic too, because they felt bad! I was so touched! I’ve not had that happen before with anything! Usually with my allergies I’m totally shit out of luck, but these people (especially Kristi) were kind enough to accommodate me with something new!! and they sent me the salt soak AND the bath oil!!!! I can’t even believe the kindness, and coupons. I am so touched! I don’t always take a bath, I prefer to shower… but tonight I know exactly what I’m going to do now!!! I cant wait to try it!!! I am so beyond touched!! I have so many thank you notes to mail out! 

1 Voucher for a FREE Muller Yogurt Product: I love this yogurt! I went out right away to get it. So good. I got the black and red raspberry mixy one 😀

Disappointment


I’ve come to realize I have a lot of things working against me.. I went to school for religion and not something more useful … I’ve spent my whole working life in food, or food stores, or bakeries… and I’m disabled.

I really hate having to think about this. My mom encouraged me to call up this job placement place… the woman even told me that it would be very risky because of my experience levels … and my work history. I guess it’s time I start looking back into the grocery stores and into those bakeries again…She said that everyone who has experience over me will get first picks because they have worked in that area before. Everyone is looking for jobs, there are not enough out there. I should be happy to have what I do. Not everyone is that lucky.

I just feel defeated… I feel like I’ve lost a lot and that the best part of my life was before I had to turn into an adult…like the best of my life happened before I ever had a chance to get it started. Now I’m stuck… with broken parts, a damaged brain… and just this deep, penetrating sadness that all I am is a gigantic ball of failure hoping for something good to come my way. I wanted to accomplish something, I wanted to not go to work and come home dirty every day, I wanted to wear clean clothes, nice shoes… maybe even makeup…

I hate it … but I need to deal with it … I just need to be thankful for the job I have and try to keep it … and just do what I can do…but I’m sad…

 

I’m tired of being sick, I’m tired of being broken … I’m tired… just so tired and so sad…