I understand I can be touchy, and overreact to things … and the fact that one of my favorite songs is called “Let your freak flag fly” from Shrek the musical … but when someone tells me to “Let your tic flag fly” I just want to go out and yell “how about let your go f*** yourself flag fly”… Don’t tell me to be proud of this … all I want to do is go to the mall on a weekend, or have friends face to face I can do things with… or have made a life for myself…that’s not working 3rd shift in someone elses bakery because I WILL NEVER make enough money in my entire life…
So, yesterday Davis and I went to the mall today, together …. because I can’t go alone since I always end up having either dystonic storm, or a Status Tic episode … and I thought I was okay …we’re there for a few minutes and get to the store I REALLY wanted to see and I end up hitting the floor up on the upper level and have an attack… after that one we take the elevator and then I hit the floor AGAIN in the store I wanted to see…I hate it. I can’t go ANYWHERE because of this … Davis is cool about it, and I adore him because he’s really amazing with my problems … but … I just hate it it’s not fair I can’t just be normal for one day … and I really hate touching the floor, they’re dirty.
but… it makes me so mad… because I want to go to the mall and not be on my face, or need a wheelchair, or crutches… or an escort just to be in public because I cant hold my shit together…I want to have a job that actually pays more than $11 an hour for the rest of my life, I want to succeed… I wanted to go to college and then do something with my life I could be proud of, instead I went to college and got a degree in an area I could do because of my TS … and its useless.
I had so many dreams my life would be so different… and I keep getting told not to be so hard on myself either, that there is always hope and things can get better and my attitude is why things are like this … well, maybe things are like this because its out of my control … because I’m not depressed, or suicidal. I’m just frustrated and a bit sad that all my dreams will only be dreams… I just wanted so much more