Nastygrams.

Old post… started it on Friday and never got around to putting it here… so here it is.

That’s the word of the day… for the copious amounts of stupidity I feel like TinyDancer and I deal with on a daily basis… Today was a good one. Not only did I walk into my ALL TIME FAVORITE thing of 2 empty containers of Crisco and 6 milks that are open but only had about 2 cups between them all, the salt was empty again too. It’s just stupid. I mean, I know I should let it go but sometimes it seems impossible to me. It’s unprofessional!! I don’t want to lose my good habits that I had from all the other years I’ve been working in food, but sometimes I think the longer I stay here the worse my habits are going to get. It’s like … really have to TRY to remember all the stuff I learned… and even now I know that I’m slipping. It’s annoying. 

There are so many things I start to talk about, but then I get distracted and forget… or think I don’t want to talk about it because I don’t want to make trouble for myself in other areas of my life… but…I had to have all my medication increased 2 weeks ago … I’m back on 10mgs of Valium again… My Paxil went from 20mgs to 40mgs, and my Wellbutrin went from 100 to 300mgs. I’m probably going back on the Clonidine for the tics too, I was trying to be off of it but the vocals are going insane again, I hate that stuff and not just because I feel like it makes me really tired. I feel like it’s just a  drug for blinkers, (not like there’s a problem with blinkers in the general population but I don’t feel like they make anything for people like me)… For the good of everyone I should try to be completely tic medicated again… instead of just being… myself. 

And the other thing is that I got my final denial for the Deep Brain Stimulation surgery, they decided that it’s too risky on me because of my allergies to adhesives, antibiotics and metals. The chances of me having a fatal, or near fatal reaction is too high for anyone to want to risk opening me up and just dying on them without getting anything out of it. With it not being FDA approved, and without me having insurance (and not qualify for Obamacare, and I don’t know about that state insurance thing you told me about, I just remembered that… I should probably look at it… I don’t know if it can help though? Do you think?). I found that out on the … um… I think it was the 7th… and that was Temple/St.Luke’s. So, I guess I just have to shut up and deal with it from here on out. I understand, I really do. I’m allergic to the metal that is used to make the simulators… so it’s not worth it and I really don’t have a death wish… it’s just sad to me  They want to try one more set of drugs on me, but it’s for Huntington’s Chorea. I don’t know if I want to try it because it’s a really, really strong and scary drug. With my history of seizures, and depression and other stuff they’re not even sure that the drug company would even comp it to me. 

 

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