is it envy, happiness, or human nature

I’m so happy for all my friends who either have gotten DBS, or are in the process of making this a reality. I know more then one amazing soul whose had this life changing procedure and is getting to make their dreams and goals start to come true. I look at the process, I look at all the doctor trips, the drugs that we have to try … the different levels of stress and incompetence that has to be endured just to try to get to this spot, to get to this opportunity to have our skulls drilled open and electrodes put in with the hopes that it makes us better instead of worse.

It’s pretty scary to think of the lengths that we’re willing to go to just to be able to feel a bit of relief…. to just get that sensation that everyone else has of normalcy. Something that is so overlooked and so… so misunderstood too…something that causes us to be worried when we go on public transport, feel paranoid just to get our driving license… It’s sad to know how many steps there are for the hope of improvement, but at the same time …the amount of change, and struggle there is… even with having this procedure… we know it’s never going to go away.

For a lot of us, there is too much damage, too many years of trauma, depression, and stress for me to even think that… well… that it even would work for someone like me. Even if the tics went away, would I even be able to have that ‘cure’ like someone whos been sick 1/4 of the time that I have? Would I be able to recover? Has this become such a deeply ingrained part of myself that the idea of trying to be … normal …? Is that even the right word for this… for me?

Can I accept the fact that all of my friends are going to get this cure, and I can only sit back, watch and be a good friend to them? Be supportive and listen to their feelings while I still have to hide my own … and try to keep a grip on myself and not ‘rain’ on their parade… or have to try to justify for myself that this is for the best. That there is a reason… but I can’t blame god, or ask about God and everything else when I know that’s not the problem …


2 thoughts on “is it envy, happiness, or human nature

  1. so well put. ❤ I hear you, I so so hear you!

  2. Kaitrana says:

    Hugs. However it goes, whatever way it is…I’m here for ya. And…don’t be afraid to rain on the parade. I’ve done plenty of raining myself.

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