When I was a little girl, before we even knew what was wrong with me … I knew. I mean, how couldn’t I know? I just didn’t work like everyone else did. I had so many problems growing up, and I always just wanted that magic to take it away from me. I wanted to be happy in a way everyone else appeared to be.
I understand why I was denied my DBS thing, I understand that it’s for the best… the chances of me having an adverse reaction are so high that I don’t want to take that risk with my life. I do kinda like where things are going… things are getting better (slowly). I’m disappointed that I was hoping for something more then what I was offered, but I really like this doctor. She was honest with me… she looked me in the eye, and she told me the truth.
When I was a little girl I BEGGED to get fixed, I remember trying to run to Robyns house (across the street, up the hill) and not being able to make it because my tics were so bad… and I’d just be kneeling there on the asphalt asking god/santa/anyone to take away “____” part that was making the trouble, and replace it with one that works so I could be normal. It never happened. Just like a few things I asked for at Christmas never came … I didn’t stop believing. I just realized that somethings are even too big for Santa, and God is busy running the universe to take care of a problem I had to learn to deal with myself. I was little, these disorders are brutal on someone little. Your brain is still developing and it’s hard to figure out what the hell is going on.
At night I’d lay in my bed and look out the windows and beg to go home to a place that understood me, and cry a lot. Every single night and look at the lights of the airplanes and stuff flying by. Like… I’d think somehow that would be able to help me…
I always wanted to try to fit in, and no matter what Dr. Seuss says, it’s still wrong… who wants to stand out like a sore thumb. And when you’re a kid, its even worse. But I’m a grown up now… and I can understand that sometimes the answers that you really want… and the things you think are going to be best… really could be the worst. I’m not heartbroken over the rejection for the DBS, I’m almost relieved. No,I am relieved. I think I can just try to move forward now instead of looking for an answer that’s not out there right now.
…the question is, what do I wan to do with it… or about it…and thats not as scary to me as holding out hope for more disappointment.