its hard to pay attention sometimes to the fact that I’m nobody… that I know I need to stop talking, or stop responding… just be quiet. I got snipped at today. I was told that I don’t listen… but I was taught that you always respond when people are talking to you. I say “oh, Okay.” a lot … I’ve been told to ‘stop talking, I’m not finished.” … it made me feel really bad… it made me realize how little I am, how pointless I am
and how I never know what to do… how I never will have the right answers either. There is no pleasing some people. So, I don’t know what to do. If I say nothing, I am in trouble… if I say “ok” I am being told I don’t listen …I worry they’re going to fire me… I worry I’m too much trouble… I worry the medication isn’t working, I might be ticcing slightly less violently … but… the rest of the problems are worse.
I worry that they’re going to decide I’m too much work to keep employed there… I ask too many questions, I make too many mistakes… and I’m allergic to so many things. Even though they knew about them when I was hired…
more tomorrow. I have work early again.