how long has it been… since a real update…

wow… This post is definitely something I’ve needed to do.  I’ve been working straight through since last weekend, and I know I was off for the run.  But that’s not really a day off for me.  I drove out to my mom’s and I spent half of Friday and then had to come home Saturday night to be called in on Sunday.  It was a full day, but I was still woken up from a stone dead sleep to come in and cover… I know I want to be the person they can depend on to do that covering… but at the same time I’m starting to think maybe that’s a bad idea. I mean, I need a break too.  I need time to rest, I need time to spend with my bunny!!  and my Skeees… and everything else. I’ve not even been able to go food shopping for a month because of this. My whole life has been uprooted. I feel like I shouldn’t complain.  

Things were so screwed up while I was out of work…. We’re still trying to recover from that.  And here I am come whining that I’ll have to do and 18 day stretch… but my mental health is suffering… Suffering bad. I get home from work and all I do is pass out… I’m up about 430 I get home 12 hours later…and I’m trying to get all house work done and everything else… And I’m trying to succeed with my Mary Kay business… But sometimes I feel like it’s impossible… Like there’s no answer for this.  Maybe I have too much going on, maybe I’m just not trying hard enough… I always feel like I’m not trying hard enough.

And I really hate when people talk to me like I’m stupid… That’s a side note, by the way.  Thing two has this condescending way about them… Where if you ask a question like I do a lot, and Thing Two feels like you should have the answer already, or should just have been able to pull it out of thin air…

But I made a promise to myself last week that I’d not be internalizing things so much anymore… not everything is my fault…. and just because something happens doesn’t mean I need to internalize it. I had a fall out with my special dentist that I’ve been seeing since 09. I had a bad experience a few weeks ago when I went to go get a tooth filled … and I flipped out when we got home and now the dentist told me that I broke the “doctor/patient trust” … The only way he’d work on me now is under generalized because of that and he doesn’t trust me anymore. I feel like after all these years and knowing all my problems … oh, and waiting almost 3 hours for one filling to be fixed is unacceptable when the dentist is over an hour away. 

I’ve been using the temporary fix to keep it stable until I find a new dentist… and I’ve not had time to do that with the whole … working every single day and thanksgiving with my parents and a few other things. But, I have to find a new dentist to fix this thing. My OCD is going to start getting beyond out of control if I don’t. The only reason I’ve not been flipping out is because of this temporary stuff…. its keeping my OCD and panic in check. It’s really cool. My mom even noticed that I’m not as bad as usual over it. I feel like it’s a really, really big milestone for me… I don’t have many like that …. because … well… there aren’t many things like that I can celebrate. I know that victories like this don’t come too often. I mean, this is my brain… I know that it’s not as simple as that “mind over matter” bullshit… or the other crap people try to tell someone with a mental or neurological illness… 

 

Um… so thanksgiving was really nice… we went to my parents and i was happy about it … and since I worked ALL DAY and every day for 6 days before that… it was pretty good to have the break… and to get to sit at a real table, in a nice, big, pretty, clean house… with all real furniture from a store. Oh, and I didn’t have to feel like we’re poor for a few minutes, or like we’re just ‘making due’ … I just got to feel like it was life going to the normal that I was use to. That’s the most comfortable thing I guess. I have a lot of mixed feelings about going “home” …but there’s always that sense of not having to worry, I can forget about so much of the crap, and the big people problems for a little bit and  feel like my dysfunctional, nuclear (in the bomb sense of the word), family is back when times were really good… Before I was scared all the time about the power being turned off, or the TV being turned off… or not being able to afford medications… and all this other drama that has come to be my daily life.  I think about the life my Grammy had, which is so much like the life we have now… and I know they got to a better place. I’m trying to convince myself that we’re going to get to that better place someday too.

 I got home from work today and decided to do an hour of Zumba instead of everything else that needs to be done in this house. I feel like I’m trying so hard and that nothing gets done … Not having a day off… and I don’t want to have to keep asking Davis for help with everything and then complaining over and over…. he does a lot… and I still don’t feel like I do enough. I’m looking forward to this next neuro consult so maybe … just maybe… 

I feel like I’m constantly backtracking here… I have to go in and say what I want… say what I need… say what I’m tired of… say what I want for my life and how I want the opportunity to see all the things I’ve missed out on. Get on with my life without all the medication, all the other issues associated. I need to be able to know that I have the right to request a specific type of treatment. I know I have the right to choose my treatment or to decline it. I need to make sure I have the ability to finally STATE what I want my treatment to be…. why I want it to be this way…Why I have made my decision … and I know what I want to do, where I want to go and how it’s important for me… 

I just need to keep this part of me ready for the 9th when we have the appointment… ugh… I had other things I really wanted to say … or needed to say but now I cant think of it … but I do have pills to take and Harry Potter 7: pt2 is on and i’ve never seen it before… even though i’ve read the books a million times.  

 

My hair is short for the first time in a decade … im tired… I have lots of medicine to take tonight, some vitamins … Oh, go to sleep and stay optimistic that the next 5-7 days goes smoothly … And I don’t have gigantic attacks EVERY day… only most days… I’m so tired of having them. They hurt so bad. But… according to my activity monitor it counts as REAL exercise every time I have one … 

2 thoughts on “how long has it been… since a real update…

  1. Kaitrana says:

    ….It counts as real excercise to have attacks.. Well, gee, at least there’s an upside! 😛

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