a weekend off

The damn Hairmaxx arrived yesterday and I hope it’ll mean that my nasty, thin, alopecia-ick hair it’s better than it was a long time ago but this laser thing should make more of it grow back… i hope it works. My mom spent a lot of money on it for me because her sister said it worked she’s got a form of Alopecia too. She said it works… and we have 5 months to see if it does and if not it can be returned for a full refund. I’ve added the price of it to the money I owe my mom. This is going to be the year I finally get to pay her (and everything else I owe) back… I hope… 

A lot of people know this, but.. I hate talking about it. I lost my hair at 14….That tender age when a girl should start trying to become a woman, start learning how to bloom into who and what she is. Well, I kinda skipped that. it took me until I was almost 24 to start to get into that hair/makeup phase… I’m still stunted, technically…. 

it just started slowly… then more, and more… then began falling out in clumps until I was 16. I just gave up and started wearing anything to cover it up. I had to be on the steroids and other medications to make it so I could not be sick all the time. Sometimes you have to do what you need to do. I wish I didn’t have to be on all that medication, but I’d not be here if I wasn’t. even if means I’m more screwed up now. Catch 22, you know? It was heart breaking but I tried to make it sound like that was ok with me. Why did I need long hair, I could have a ton of short hair cuts and things…. shorter the better… I tried to make myself feel better and I convinced myself pretty well sometimes. 

sometimes. 

 

oh, I saved $172 in coupons at the store on Friday, and I got a real paycheck … that’s awesome too … and I’ve not had any major, major attacks  … but I spent the day at one of the stupidest things ever. Not fun at all … and I have work tomorrow … I think my expectations are too high, or that I want too much for an event. I need to remember that I am no one. I am one person… one person. One, small person. Who wants to help and sometimes that help isn’t wanted. I can’t change the whole world. I cant make a difference where no one wants there to be one. I certainly can’t just rock the boat because I have a different view. I was just a lowly volunteer who was told to watch the snack table… while everyone else ran. I tried to remember that my mom and I had a good day, I had an amazing friend stop by and visit… I try to remind myself that I am nothing, I am no one. I am one person… I am not the most important, I deserve nothing. 

 

but my feelings were hurt, I was angry, sad, frustrated, disappointed … disappointed in my disgusting apartment that our landlord put together with piss and newspaper … disappointed in only now getting a decent job … disappointment …

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