Thoughts from the floor of Building 5’s activity room…..

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Well… I do have some of the best coworkers in the world. We were T-R-Y-I-N-G to get things done today … but my head tics were insane…I had to keep looking down and shaking my head like a dog, look back up. Upper body shoulder jerks, the dystonic face…and my loud chirping vocals. It just kept getting worse. I’m use to it, and the girls on staff in the kitchen are cool with it too. About 3 hours into my shift things got to the point where I don’t know what to do anymore… So I take a break and end up in the Activity Room … it’s a really big room that looks like a half chapel, half kitchen, half living room with comfy couches 2 fish tanks and an electric fireplace. It was there I hit the floor … it was 9:22…. for the next 40 minutes I laid on the floor writhing in tic storm hell. Punching myself in the head, my arms beating myself in the back, shaking, shaking ,shaking… screaming and grunting and ending up on my back. Over and Over and Over again. I was mad, sad, embarrassed, frustrated, hurting, 

After attack #1 I looked over my shoulder and saw one of the two cats who lives in Building 5 watching me, it was the girl cat… and she’s looking at me with those pretty green eyes… I was talking to her from my spot on my back on the floor … all my crap scattered all over the room around me.,.. Just… looking. It made me think about how I have all these fears about my attacks, even with my own family. I need to find somewhere to be alone because I’m embarrassed by the weakness of my body, the strangeness of the motions, the loud noises, the frighting and self injurious behavior. But here was this cat, just sitting there … not cowering, not looking scared or upset… just watching me. I felt silly. I felt silly because I’m lying on the floor of a nursing home rec-room having a TicStorm and thinking about how this cat isn’t judging me … just like the people I work with aren’t judging me, for the most part, because of my disabilities. They’re just taking them as part of who I am and move beyond them

but it made me feel better. Sorta… didn’t make the pain from the storms go away and I hated how much time I feel was “wasted” by the whole storm….So many things I wanted to get done but won’t now… but, what choice do I have? This is what my body was doing. Time to go for the ride and try not to let it stress me more than necessary.. Even BossLady was pretty cool about it….not to worry. She’s glad I like my job with them because they really like me too… and want me to go ahead for CA2 from CA1 once the new year starts. That’s pretty cool.

Anyway, We had a fire alarm test too … so, there were more attacks, but this time I was in the room with the HR nurse, both cats, the fish … and trying to hide from the strobe lights. She’s really nice too … I’m lucky for once with this job. It’s going pretty well. My next day off is on Tuesday unless they call me for overtime again. So… since I’ve been up since 2:30 this morning… I’m going to take a short nap… then trying to do myself a nice facial and a few other things to make myself feel pretty… maybe even exercise on the Wii too. WiiFit is still the best video game I’ve got right now (next to Sonic and Zumba) …so… time for some popcorn and a nap first… 2 more days of work to go before some time off… 

 

and I have stuff I’d love to say about my marriage, but that stuff is private… well, thats what my LJ is for, now isn’t it. 

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