awake since 4…


I feel like I was just here… oh wait… I was. I can't sleep… I'm worried about money… I'm freaking out about it… about the rent… about him going to maine to see his daughter and what we're going to do… the checking account was overdrawn and we lost $180 there… and it just keeps getting worse there…. Im trying, I'm trying so very hard but nothing is ever good enough… and I just feel sick…I need more sleep… but i just can't. I already did 20 minutes on the Wii fit and I've tried to get calm… but i don't know …

useless…


I don't know how someone can get so upset over something so stupid and little. I've lived here forever of course I don't remember or care about all the stupid sightseeing things I did back then … yes, I'll go with you … but don't be such a pain in the ass over it … Oh, and our power got turned off again today … I got it put back on for $48 but I have to make another payment tomorrow of more than I have… I'm so scared… I am so scared… So I say that I really feel like life sucks … and someone… in the other room gets all upset over me feeling that way … "Well, I'm a big part of your life so you're telling me I suck too" … no, I didn't say that… asshole.

nothing like getting kicked in the ass… again


its a catch 22… my credit is bad because i've not been able to find adaquit work … but i cant get adiquit work because my credit is bad … and i dont want to do retail anymore… i physically cant… my body is totally wrecked… but it seems like there is … well… thats it. I worry a lot about things like that and whats to come…

I should worry about my spelling on this craptop of mine… it doesn't have the same auto correct but it doesn't seem to bother me…

im kinda enjoying my bullshit fast too… im avoiding some people because i cant take the drama … not like i dont make enough of my own … there was other stuff today that was making me freak out … but i didn't ACTUALLY freak out. my mom was really proud. I told her that once I get to a specific point i cant even freak anymore… i just get defeated and realize that the dreams i had mean nothing…

well… so other than not getting the job i hoped to get … i did 4 loads of dishes, sorta cleaned my house… my diet is going ok … Zumba is still amazing… i got the food shopping done … and the house is cleaner even if its not perfect… i still have a lot to do… i have stuff i have to sell to try to find some extra money.. any will do … i know there are movies of mine that i can sell… and a few other things …

mothers day is such a mixed bag


We've tried to get pregnant for years … and with my brain issues and other problems its just been an exercize in futility … the times we have gotten pregnant we've lost all of them … including Mariel who was stillborn. I have a lot of strange feelings about today … I feel like I shouldn't count or expect anything for mother's day because I don't have a living child … and when something is done for me it makes it very strange… but… at the same time … I've lost all of mine. I understand that today is a day for mothers of living children … stillbirth and baby loss day is oddly enough on Mariels Birthday … but it doesn't make today any easier.

and I shouldn't get mad at Davis for anything … he tries to make it a nice day … but he tells me that no matter what he does its the wrong answer … HERE'S A SUGGESTION… do what you think is right and do it consistantly… it's not about gifts or doing anything/ buying anything… but don't ask me what I want or what I would like… you do this to me all the time … i'm worried about money and bills and making sure we have enough money to get us through the next 2 weeks and you ask me if you should buy me a flower … I DONT WANT YOU TO ASK  ME THAT… I don't want to be asked stupid questions… just… do it if you're going to do it …

just do something… load the dish washer, take out the trash… but why should i have the right to complain about anything …. he's the one working right now. … not me. I don't have a right to feel like I want him to do more around here when its not like I have anything else to do… it's not like I have a living child to take care of … or anything like that. I just have the stupid, crappy apartment we live in …

but… thats another part of it I guess… how can i look at having a kid with you when sometimes it seems like you're not even bothering to take care of yourself? Ivebeen trying to get healthier and lose some weight and all this other crap … and you blamed me for sabotiging you … but now i feel like you're doing that to me … I do so well for 5 days a week… he's home and then its all this junk…and soda… god, i'm trying… i know he said he likes my body this way but i want things to be better…I want to feel better, and look pretty again… or at least feel like I look pretty for once. all i see a lot of the time is all the failure and loss that have made up my life … and it makes me sad… the things that i should have are all gone … my stocks re gone, my kids are all dead, my dreams are dead… and here i am with this life… this isn't what  I thought my life would be…
just,… sometimes I want to think that things are going to change… that he's going to just do the things that need to get done without me nagging him … wityhout me asking… just do it … just fix the stuff that needs to be fixed… just do some of the things that need to be done … don't tell me to remind you … you see whats broken … you know i dont know how to do it ou say you know what to do and how easy it is … and you act like you know everything but you dont do it … and then all i do is feel bad…

oh sure… you'd have all this stuff done if we had a house … you don't do these things here because its just a rental … why do you think ive painted it or tried to make it better… we're stuck here NOW … with no chance of getting out … so why cant you just do the simple little things without me having to feel like im asking too much … …but then i remember you're the one working… you're the one with the income not me … you're the one whos not broken … i am … so how can i ask these things of you… when i should just learn how to do it myself… because someone had to earn a living…

but why does a hous have to mean that we cant have a tv line put into the bedroom, why does a house mean you cant just do some basic things … we're trapped here… we have no chance of ever getting out … we're trapped… so why make it worse??!?!?!?!?!
but its not like we have a kid… its not like
we have anyting else… its just us…broke… and if I say anything like to him he gets his feeligns so hurt because then he takes it all personally…

and then i get back to mothers day … and how i spent the morning with my mom and came home and we went and got sandwitches … but now all im going to do is worry we're not going to have enough money to get through the next 2 weeks … and how Im not really a mom after all… im just a stupid damaged girl, made of damaged leftover parts … in a stupid, falling down apartment in a wreck of a life ….

I dont like expensive days….a lot


Harrisburg trip is tomorrow … it's to try to make it so PA TSAinc doesn't lose their funding. that's kinda scary to me that they're going to try to cut it out. They don't understand how much we need that funding to try to help all of us … no one sees this disorder… or they mock it. I'm tired of that… but tomorrow my mom and I are going… I wanted to go with Davis but he's working… so that means I cant use my wheelchair either. I've not really needed it since I've been out of work but in a room … in a day… surrounded by all other people with TS… im scared … The last time I was around other people with TS I came home with a bunch of crap I've still not gotten rid of.

I want to raise awareness … i want to be that person who can help make a difference … but when i know that sometimes its not as simple as that… or when im scared out of my mind that my mom is going to see a part of me that i never wanted her to have to deal with more than anything else… yeah… scary…

…oh, and I still cant find my passport for the national parks, so i guess that means no stamp for me tomorrow. It's not like Harrisburg is THAT far away … maybe we'll get to go back and do a few other things out there so I can collect them…

…and today WAS expensive… needed a front end alignment on my car and new tires… and an oil change… so … we're back to being $300 overdrawn… but im not even stressed about it anymore … such is life… and with that… im going to bed.

valuable lesson…


last night i ate 4 or 5 of those stupid fiber 1 brownie things … needless to say we all know the result of that …  I couldn't help it … I was up with the most awful nightmares and night terrors and halucintions… I don't know what was doing it to me … but it was so awful I woke up screaming a few times … I thought about posting to try to clean it out of my head but it just wasnt working… i thought it would just make me worse… so I've been up since 2am… never a good thing for me…

oh, and since the new pharmacy puts my pills in blister packs now instead of in bottles I keep forgetting to take them, It should be EASIER … they're all dated and things … but i cant seem to get a handle on it … so  I end up with hiddeous brain shocks and just want to curl up into a little ball and hide … im trying to remember to take them but with the whole Detox still being in process it's getting harder and harder… and I cant always tell whats dystonic and whats not… I'm down to 3 pills from 20-ish … so I think i'm doing a good job. These are the last important ones and if there are other ones that i have to work back into once I'm officially clean again I can do it … but the point is that I want to try to get my body back into the right sorts…

the whole diet thing isn't going so well…I started to do that Special K Challenge today … but when Davis got home we started talknig and he told me how sexy he thinks my body is this way … makes the whole pressure of a diet a little easier to deal with. i still want to drop a few pounds but he likes my curves… and i can deal with that… its just getting my mother to shut up some…

It's just that my OCD is starting to grab onto that and its not healthy at all … its really bad… I was starting to think that maybe it was waining too … but now i don't think it is … thats so frustrating because i get so tired of my brain fighting me all the time. I want something to be easy instead of being at war with my mind and my body… or maybe I should adapt more to it. I don't know the answers sometimes. I just have to do the best I can ….

and no Zumba today … but I did take a 21 minute run and did a few other things that were little … that felt good, and went over to Justina's to see her and Olivia. I can't believe that she's 2 already. She's so cute. It was fun to catch up with her. their new house is so nice. makes me wish that we could get one sooner. there are a lot of them for sale by where she lives but I think it would be weird even if we could move out to one of those places … but they're so much bigger than anything that we have now… but more money than we'd ever be able to afford. we're lucky we're making it as it is.

We're starting to get ready for the trip up to maine too… i think im getting excited for it slowly… it'll be more of a real vacation! we might have a little money to actually spend this time and be able to see a few other things and maybe even be able to get SOMETHING just a little something… and at least a picture or two of me and Samantha.

other than that…. i don't really have too much else to say tonight … im really tired and i want to curl up with my book and just… read… same book. Inheritance … its good but i love the author and i can fall asleep in it and have it not matter.

just… funny….


so…here's a funny story… I'm sure we all can get a giggle out of this … So my man and I were gettin' jiggy with it and we get close to finished … and the phone starts to ring…We ignore it … it keeps ringing… and then the voicemail picks up and it's my mothers voice… Davis looks at me

"well… there's your chastity alarm…"

we're still laughing …and I still don't know what my mom wanted because I can't call without laughing!