Ritual


..it was strange being back knowing that mary wont be here anymore in less than a month… but it was nice to be at ritual … even if I was in my wheelchair most of the time. She told me one of the women who owns a shop down the road also has TS but she's about 70 and she doesn't like to talk about it at all..

I can't wait for my birthday tomorrow. I can't wait to see my mom and just have a good birthday. I'm really sad that we have no money to do anything but i know we'll get a chance later… it's just sad to me… Mary and I were joknig during ritual about my tics and my TS and it just felt so natural… I really want to do something nice for her… maybe a little housewarming something for when she goes to california… I have a few days to think about it

i should try to get some rest. I'm tired and sooooooo excited.

WHY?!


my anxiety is going through the roof right now and i dont know why… i cant think of any reason for it to be this way…but i just feel the panic rising inside me. I wonder if this is the time that all my meds are finally wearing off for the day? Ive been thinking about going and popping valium for a few hours today… but i didn't do it … i think its been like 2 or 3 hours but i keep trying to tell myseld i don't need it right now… i'm not doing anything. i'm sitting here with , im safe, im fine… nothing is going to happen… but i just feel it like it's growing… something inside me that makes me think of all the things im scared of and then i have to try to fight it back…

like its going to be humiliating or make me feel like im wasting everyones time because of how bad my panic is… i think im going to be able to choke it back down …. i cant depend on the valium constantly like that. I dont want to. But i know that i have this problem and that there are ways… there has to be ways for me to manage it myself at least sometimes… and it doesn't do me any good to start feeling panic over something thats not even going to start for a few weeks yet.

i think i'll get back to playing maplestory now… that'll be a good distraction to try to get me back out of this state… it has to be. we're going to go kill Spirit of Rock… assuming we can find a channel that has one of the bosses left in it.. we've been grinding … its not really grinding anymore… but we've been playing all day and ive been trying to catch back up on my new character… he's only 6 levels ahead of me now so we can start playing together 🙂 He'll probably hit lvl 50 before bed… i'm not going to get that far…

and im trying not to be too excited over my birthday on Saturday … but i just cant wait 🙂

I dont have the patience for this sometimes…


no, not you journal… thats not what i meant. I get tired of people who are talking about killing themselves … or how mad people would be at them. I'm not going to be mad at you… im going to be sad you thought you had to take a perminant solution to something thats probably a temporary problem…

i dont want to always be the person who has to pick up the pieces when someone else is having a breakdown… i have my own problems… so you come to me when you need something and then go on about how important i am to you … or how mad i'd be … you dont know how i feel about anything? you think you know me so well don't you… but all you do is talk and never listen … but i nver talk to you about anything important … ever.

but i'm your best friend … SHUT UP…

so… got my med records in the mail today for disability… and then I cried and went back to bed


Chronic Bronchitis
Tibial fracture
Depressive disorder NOS
Other Drug Allergys
Chronic URI
Personality Disorder NOS
Generalized Anxiety Disorder
Family history Diabetes mellitus
Chronic dermatitis
Obcessive Compulsive Disorder
Adverse drug reaction
Tourette's disorder
Allergic Asthma
Hypertension NEC
Elevated BP without dx of hypertension
chronic Sinusitis
Vaginismus
Other Vulvodynia
Myofacial Pain disorder
Disorder, tic NOS
Panic Disorder NOS
Dystonic tics

Dyslexia
Dyscalcula