Feeling like a poser


I am completely in love with my Wii fit … Even when I'm back to ticcing hard core it's still better for me to have this thing to keep me distracted … today was a pretty good day but I want to get more done in my house … my tics are back of course … but i can deal with that…

I've come to realize that in a world full to still people … if I'm not moving I feel like a poser…

Liberation.


Things got a little crazy … they wanted to commit me again for a minimum of 2 weeks … or longer until they decided I was stable … they think that an inpatient treatment program with an inteisive CBT might be what would help me … I said heck no. Actually, I said no way… this is too much and I am tired of it. … and thats because, rhis has gotten to be too much for me. I'm not playing these games with these people anymore … I'm not going to be a science project anymore … I'm not going to torment myself with studies and drugs and medications and keep turning myself into knotsAfter Penn decided I'm not a candidate for DBS or TMS … and decided that I don't even HAVE TS anymore after a 2 hour visit … that I have Psychogenic disease and TAUGHT MYSELF tourette's … I've decided to let that go in one ear, out my backside … and just … step back from the medical profession. All it's doing is making me more twisted than I need to be.

Everyone hin my support networks are amazing, and the people I'm specifically thinking about know EXACTLY who they are (**wink wink**) …but sometimes… sometimes I think that we all fight so hard to try to do the best we can for ourselves and others that we make it worse… I know, speaking for myself … that I can make myself worse by trying to find an answer… you know, lost in the forrest and not seeing the trees. So, I don't know what I am now… but, if everyone with big fancy degrees is allowed to have an opinion, and I have a medium fancy one of my own … then I can make my own opinions, have my own mindset… make my own decisions, trust my own judgement and try to move forward with my life … back away from all these doctors who seem to know me better than I know myself and finally trust my own judgement.

I've made my own reality with a dream that I'm going to achieve Neurotypical-ness without doing all the work I need to on my own … I've tried everything out there that modern medicine is willing to offer me … and frankly, I'm tired…By being tired, that seems to make the shrinks think I want to off myself … well, truly… I'm not that kind of person. I hate swallowing pills, I don't like alcohol … I don't do illegal drugs … I speed, but I'm trying not to tailgate … and I don't have any good reasons not  That's too perminant for me, and life is too flexable … Now… I just need to do what I need to do without all the white men in white coats…. and try to make the best job, home life, whatever … away from that kind of crud… because… I don't think they can make someone like me better.

not like I can make me better either, but I am insightful enough to know that for myself… and then I can do something about it … but making myself insane with these people and these medications is not the answer. I've made my own reality with a dream that I'm going to achieve Neurotypical-ness without doing all the work I need to on my own … I've tried everything out there that modern medicine is willing to offer me … and frankly, I'm tired…

By being tired, that seems to make the shrinks think I want to off myself … well, truly… I'm not that kind of person. That's too perminant for me, and life is too flexable … Now… I just need to do what I need to do without all the white men in white coats…. and try to make the best job, home life, whatever … away from that kind of crud… because… I don't think they can make someone like me better. not like I can make me better either, but I am insightful enough to know that for myself… and then I can do something about it … but making myself insane with these people and these medications is not the answer.

the spit swear…


I, swear….

To never let doctors dictate my life.
To never make them let me feel crazy, inept, worthless, little or like an experiment gone wrong…
To know when the subject of being helpful becomes harmful,
To never let another doctor tell me that it is just “Stress”
To never, ever, let them tell me my history of abuse is an indication as to why I am the way i am
To not let another robot operate on me for the rest of my life
To not become a medical experiment for the rest of my life

We come from soiled pasts, but that is no reason to look at us like we are dirty. So, we will fight this with every bone in our bodies until you see how strong we really are.

AMEN

Thanks Brie, ❤ spit swear sisters

My first attack at the new store.


Today was a total mixed bag for me … my vocal tics were so bad most of the day… but I have some great coworkers that I get to talk to and spend time with. This new store is really nice to me, I really like them a lot … but we were talking and I was schreaking and screatching and everything that I can't help and no one said a word to me about it. I really appreciated it … but the problem was that about 10:30 I started to have a really, really bad attack and I ended up in the managers office … having a really, really violent attack.

I was sitting in one of those nasty plastic chairs shreaking/screaming in these long high pitched bursts and then shaking, jerking, arms flailing, body flinging itself all over… my one arm even kept going ridgid on me … and it would get stuck in odd places and then I'd have another big part of the attack and be all over again … they'd slow down… but I'd just be pulling my hair down infront of my face. I couldn't think, I couldn't talk, all I could do is sit there and gasp as it happened …

no one minded… but they did think it was a bit funny I felt like I had to ask permission to go in the managers office to have my attack, I didn't need to do that… but no one botherd me even with teh door open.

20 minutes later it was over… I went back to work … finished up… called my mom… went home… went to walmart… got some stuff to make my house better … because even though its a shitshack we can do better… oh, and bunny and I are going to take a nap now… I need it …

Today was a WILD RIDE…. well, wild walk in the rain….


Wow … like … wow … this was kinda funny but kinda not… it was just a womans work kinda day. Nothing special… well, sorta

Today ent to work and I have all these errands to run … so I go to start Darla (yes, my car has a name) and she stalls … I don't know what to do about it … so I just figure whatever… try a few more times and she gets going. I get worried… I go to the laundry place a few towns over and do my thing but when i try to leave my car starts stalling again … then again at the clothes store… then again ON THE HIGHWAY … I ended up having to get this cute guy to tie a rope to my car … or whatever it is … and drag me the few yards over to the NTB … they did everything they could but it turned out that the place I got gas at HAD WATER IN THE TANK… so they tried to check it and saw that I had like 1/3 a tank of water to gas! No wonder I kept breaking down … so 2 things of dry gas and a whole nother tank of gas

(because god knows I'm made of money like that)

but, the car is fine now … my wash is done … the shopping is done … and the womans work is almsot finsihed… time to veg out