les sighs

well, im not doing another post where it sounds like I’m complaining … but i felt like posting a minute ago and now its like i cant remember what i wanted to post about… i have to know, right?

We’re talking about buying a house, we’re using my stocks and he said we dont have to use them but i know that we need to. I’m tired of being given outs for things like this… there is no reason for him to give them to me even if i am tired or whatever else the problem is. I guess what it comes down to is that i cannot sell them myself. I need him to do that with me here…. i just cannot do it, and tonight we need the money… we’ve needed the money for a while and ive not been able to do it at all and i am so scared of the landlord comming and evicting us because ive not been able to get it for him because ive been scared of selling it. how selfish am i? really? what is wrong with me? Im part of a family now… i have a husband and people who depend on me and need me to do things… and here i am wanting to sit on this money and on these things we need to buy our house and to get our lives moving faster and faster and farther …. and im scared … why am i such a retard like this i need to stop being scared of change.

One thought on “les sighs

  1. xamp says:

    You have always been scared of change…. there are good reasons for that…. and some not so good ones too.

    There is a kind of change that is even more scary though. That is the kind where YOU make the choice. The kind of change that happens, not because someone else did something but because you did it. It leaves you with nobody to blame for the change…. and, when you couple that with your basic fear of the unknown {which is what a fear of change is, really], you get a very hard situation to deal with. This is why you made me do it…. so on some level it is not your fault.

    I do not think you are selfish with the money, if you are selfish at all it is in not wanting to face your choices directly…

    I love you alot.
    I accept the blame for you if that makes it easier.

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