posting or something like that

sometimes its weird that 3 days can get past me like that … i use to be so much better at post in this thing and now its like…. i guess my life is getting away from me at light speed and I cant figure out what to do to keep up anymore… the good thing is that I’m not as out of my mind as i thought that i was a little bit ago… i still could be and I’m not thinking about it right now but sometimes i think its just that I’m out of my house away from some of the stuff thats making me nuts

no not my husband… before that even starts to come up. He’s amazing to me … we went out to lunch yesterday to Olive Garden and it was really nice.. we’re trying to be good with money because things are always tight and my finantial aid check is late getting here by like… a month… so thats making me itchy too.

my mom is comming down today too for us to do and talk about some things. I’m happy to get to see her away from my father and to get to do some stuff we dont get to do anymore, like go to the dollar store. I know… big deal… but still

My guy was up late reading last night because he was upset… i went to bed early and he was up fretting… I wish i could be more for him than I am and i know thats something i think i could fix so much easier than I am but its driving me insane that I cant just live up to the things I want to be for him and need to be for him to be happy. I’m not happy with things this way either and i have to make them better. I just resist change too much for me to be able to make him happy. I need to change so much of myself to be a better person and its just almost impossable for me when I’m trying to make a game plan for how to do it all.

He needs things from me that are so important to him… but to me they’re not… and thats so wrong of me to think that way!! I need to make all of those things on the same level for him… I need to make it so we’re the same… but when it comes to one of the stupid things I’m going to have to talk to Ann at the seminary about today it seems like it shouldn’t matter!!! but it does, I know WHY it matters to him and that should be enough to me… it needs to be enough for me …

sometimes I feel like I’m loosing my mind… last night at class I felt sick in my throat and I just wanted to start screaming and crying and just acting out like a little girl.. drawing on the board in chalk like i was crazy and just run out of the room and down the road and just cry and scram and just have a breakdown right there… but i didnt… Davis and I talked last night about me PMSing… we want a baby… and I said i wanted my period to come because i hate the PMS… He said I have months where its like it never goes away… I wanted to kill myself… but i know thats the problem that im not sure how to always fix. I cant be the person he needs me to be… I cant do it consistantly… I cant do it and i have to because i have no choice. He gives things up for me and reminds me of it just by how he acts and how wonderful he is … and im this horriable little kid that cant get what this means right…

wow… this post went somewhere i wasn’t anticipating…

So I’m still not the person he wants and needs me to be and its all my fault that im not that way but how do i get there anyway?! why cant i just give all this stuff up just to be how he needs me to be… I need to just stop all this insanity… but i guess all of this is just words because ive been saying it for years and hoping that now im able to make the move that i need to make for him and our future. he wants me to think about it as doing it for us but thats not how i think when it comes to doing things like that… i want to just do it for him to do what he needs me to do and just have him be happy… sometimes i dont want to be happy… i mean, i do and i dont… but hes been do miserable for as long as hes been with me because im just a baby.

i dont feel like posting anymore

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