i feel bad about thinking or stressing about anything when i know the things are what i stress about are not really as important as everything else in the world. so i try not to talk about it or think about it because i know when i stop typing and start to think again really everything else im concerned about turns out to be a load of shit and its not worth the time i took to type it …. it doesn’t stop me from doing it in the first place now does it?
PPL said they’re going to turn our power off on or about Tomorrow… i just want to get that paid as much as we can and work on getting it down but thats going to take until those new student loans come in …. now, i don’t want to hear about using student loans to pay bills but its one of those things thats just going to have to be done… its not like its going to be 100,000 or something like that … its a relatively small loan and its not like there wont be a lot left over of it. … i just want to get that paid but whenever i say anything about it i feel like the biggest nag in the whole world, its not like i do anything for this household and it makes me sad that i even have to say anything… i mean… its all my fault we’re behind on our bills because its all my fault that our money isn’t right …. really me and my desisions or lack there of are the reason things are going to hell… but thats how life always is for me so i dont know… i have ot fix it because he wants me to and we need to move on with our lives.
Davis and i got into a big argument on Saturday about stuff that i was doing with my parents that really isn’t helping our cause … just about how i’m handling things and then it went just to me getting the full download of everything that was bothering him… yes, i did very much deserve getting it for how i am and i know i’m a bad and rotten person for how these past 3 years have been… it was pretty bad but i know i deserved it…. i guess thats what made it worse for me… knowing that i do deserve that and a lot more …. i guess i know but i don’t know how much i’ve caused him to loose by coming down here to be with me… it just makes me feel like sometimes im the only one that has any guilt in the matter and i know thats not true
i know im just going to screw something up today… its just what i do it seems like
oh… and sorry about all the whinyness lately, i started on some new drug and it threw me into a depression like i cant even believe