so… its been the most depressed I’ve been in a long time today and I guess its beeen comming for a long time, ive just been a very sad girl. I look at my Davis and start to cry. I feel like i’m not good enough, I feel like everything I’m going is just another way of failing at life and its just not good enough. I just get so tired….
…day 3… and its still raining too… I am so tired of being in the foyar too…. She’s such an idiot. She’s suppose to be the leader an the tec and i’m the one thats teaching the new girl everything. She is so worried about technique and so worried about stick hieght that I fear we’re falling behind in the music. She’s not teaching them the circle of 5ths she’s not going over the warmup we do but she wants to do a Cmaj scale in her old Corps pattern and go over and over and over and cant teach and play at the same time but shes constantly on everyones ass about mallett height but its not all about that. She wants us to be badass but we’re not badass we’re jsut a 40piece ensamble maybe a touch bigger but not too much. She’s asking too much of new people and people who aren’t interested. its not all about that. there is so much more to this than being “BADASS” but I had to teach Veronica …and i use that word lightly how to hit the pad at the same time… evenly. But she’s a Bassoon player and never done perc before how can she expect Veronica to be perfect like her. I don’t care how high you high the instrument but I want us to know the music and be confident…. but what do I know. I’m not going to be upset… am I?
I was so mad at Cynthia today… I mean really mad. All she does is talk about DrumCorps and about her time there and how she does everything for that and how our band is nothing like that and run badly and if this was corps how we’d have a song a week and thats all we’d do and I’m just wanting to kill her because this is so beyond NOT CORPS. this is a crappy little band and everyone else in college knows this whos in and not in Corps and trying to “TEC” your job isn’t going to cut it. I am so tired of being te one that does everything and is consulted with and gets nothing.
I talked to Emily, Andy Jackie and others about the meeting and who got what and they all said it was because i’m sick and they don’t want it to be worse. I ahev the paperork that explains the seizures and explains the tourettes but somehow everyone thinks they know me SO MUCH BETTER than I do. This is going all the way back to when my wrist was broken and they treated me like and invalid even though i had all of the paperwork faxed over. but no one listens to me everyone thinks they know me so well and FIGHT WITH ME over everything but its my body and my mind. but who cares
I stormed out of the house tonight after looking at him and crying I just felt like I couldn’t look at him. I get tired of feeling like I need help and I fet tired fo feeling like I cant do anything for myself…. and I left and wentto walk and just left my car at the house and went over to Church Street… Ended up calling
and talking to him for a while about it… I worry about what we’re talking about sometimes but its just because I never, never, never want Davis to think i’m cheating on him. EVER. We talked a lot and i felt better… I needed to talk to someone else… I tried to find keri for a bit but she wasn’t around and Im kinda mad at Emily… but thats a different story.
He called me by the time I was back near our house and we talked a lot more about what happened and he came and picked me up so we could go to the store to get things for supper and come home to watch the blackhole thing and eat. it was nice o get all of that stuff out… I just feel bad sometimes that I’ve been so depressed.
more eventually…. i have a lot to say but somehow i’m out of motavation… and i need to get up so early tomorrow