At my mothers for the night… and a day…

so… I’ve been here a few hours and I’m ready to go back home to my Davis again… It was an okay day really… it started with me getting into weggies about 30 minutes late because I knew I had to go to my mothers today and I just didn’t want to. 

… well, all this started yesterday… I went on a walk… and it was like… 90 outside and I walked from home to Mary’s up to Moco to get my car… and i never had anything to drink… then i went to get lunch and sun screen and other things and by the time I was able to be with my Davis I was getting a headache, sweating really bad, i was thirsty but couldn’t drink anything and felt like i was out of my head… and until I sat down I was hungry but lost my appitite (I ate anyway though and then felt really sick). I had to ask him to drive me home on his lunch because I just didn’t feel like I was tracking well enough to drive myself… I felt so bad. He stopped and got ice too for me to try to feel better…

I got home and just collapsed on the bed and layed there until he got home, watched TV and things… I treid to wake up enough to be happy with him… but every moment that we’re together I just feel like life is perfect, the world is pretty and everything is all happy… I know it sounds sick and like I’m a patetic little puppy but to feel his body against mine, and to see his face and to just be there… I cant really put the words there. I just feel like we’re in a better place then. That our little apartment is the whole world and nothing is perfect but life is good… no matter what happens… 

sorry… I miss him a lot right now… i miss him and feel like i could cry because I really feel like I’m here because my mommy wants me to be here for her birthday and I want to be with him and with her and try to have this perfect little world and its impossiable because of the mistakes I’ve made, the lies I’ve told and everything I have to eventually make a choice about what I want to do and how I want to do it and I don’t know how thats going to happen… I want to be with him, marry him, be happy and live with him… I want to have a different relationship with my parents…. I don’t think I can live here for the last month of summer. I have to think of something to do about this…

I just wish that my mother would speak to him.. something like that i wish that i could be strong enough to explain these things and not feel like i have to please her… I don’t have to feel like my first duty is to please her. This is my life. I need to do things in my life to make my life meaningful to me….He is meaningful to me…I want them to know this… I have to stop lying about the realtionship, I have to find my inner backbone with her…

I feel sad… very, very sad… 

Work was good today, the drive was good too… but the day went so fast and it made me so sad that he was so busy with customers that I couldn’t spend more time with him before I left. I get so scared that everytime I leave its going to be the last time and I’ll never see him again, feel him again… 

I have to stop this post now. I cant do this again.

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