there are times…

Sometimes I want to run away and go back to the old ways but I know that doesn’t solve anything anymore and my best bet is sticking around and talking it out.

I just fear I’ve gotten too close, and gone in too deep and now its too late.

Why do I think like this? Why does my mind have to play out these senarios that everything will end the worst way possiable… but if it didn’t i wouldn’t be me…

and down does not begin to describe it.


Title: Rain
Artist: Breaking Benjamin

Take a photograph,
It’ll be the last,
Not a dollar or a crowd could ever keep me here,

I don’t have a past
I just have a chance,
Not a family or honest plea remains to say,

Rain rain go away,
Come again another day,
All the world is waiting for the sun.

Is it you I want,
Or just the notion
Of a heart to wrap around so I can find my way around

Safe to say from here,
Your getting closer now,
We are never sad cause we are not allowed to be

Rain rain go away,
Come again another day,
All the world is waiting for the sun.

Rain rain go away,
Come again another day,
All the world is waiting for the sun.

To lie here under you,
Is all that I could ever do,
To lie here under you is all,
To lie here under you is all that i could ever do,
To lie here under you is all,

Rain rain go away,
Come again another day,
All the world is waiting for the sun.

Rain rain go away,
Come again another day,
All the world is waiting for the sun,
All the world is waiting for the sun,
All the world is waiting for the sun.

It’s good to have friends…

I decided it was time for a change and headed over to my schools library for a little LJ posting there… I think thats more fun than always doing it where I live.

and I think I have some kind of work to do somewere… something about a 20 page paper on Teen Cutting in young women ages 14-16. I think I can easily do yay many pages on that.

but this post was all brought up after talking to the lovely, beautiful and always bursting with fruit flavor … Who has a funny habit of only calling me when he’s slightly (If not fully) inebriated. So I have 4 voice mails from him, all starting with some reference to having too much to drink. Somehow, someway I do find this very amusing in a sick sense. I mean, its not exactally healthy to do, but it makes for some very funny, yet very embarassing stories to come out.

and now onto something completely different….

I had one of those moments last night too… it was a seizure or something that happened and I was there for most of it and then there was this 3 hour gap and he was still with me. Still… I don’t know anyone that would be there that long. He’s the only one whos ever known what was going on when I got so quiet on the phone like that. Everyone always thought I just fell asleep ( and probably after that big one I did fall asleep but I don’t really know.)

I hate that I have these… I hate him knowing that I have them because I always hid how bad they truly were. Now that i’m open about it I feel like its attention that I don’t deserve that I’m getting and I’m not being fair.

do I think too much? really?

I have class at 10:20 … anatomy … the Seizures or whatever they are aren’t ever going to be as bad as they were when I was on that medication…


I had a nightmare last night … I was walking by the boyde theatre and someone tried to abduct me. they cam up quickly behind me and grabbed me. It was stopped by Larry but I got very scared. That is my biggest fear but why would it be there, I hardly ever go there. I’ve been there once sice I moved here and I was on my phone talking to Xamp… I feel like I’m insane, maybe it was induced by the problems I have or it was just my brain working through fears. Thats it … just my brain working through the fears…


10:08… I only have a few articles for my paper and I know I need more than this. I want to do really well on it because i’m not that great of a student. Maybe i’ll go talk to her about it and see what she has to say. and with that I bid this entrey a fond Adeu… maybe more posting later now that I feel more into my posts again.


*}:{* Butterfly *}:{*

Confessions of a girl in hiding. Chantels side to “How Xamp got his groove back”

…Oh goodie, a public post for the entire world to see. Nothing I like more than sharing my most private emotions with the entire natural and unnatural world…. I am ONLY doing this because I love him, and I know this will be searched for by at least one person on his friends list… let alone all of the people I know who are wondering what the heck is going on with me. He did a nice post about what’s up… but now I’m going to explain a little more into my side of things. Enjoy… Love, luck and lollypops
~ Juliet

Why Chantel went back to Furcadia

You scored as Sarabi. You are Sarabi! Regardless of your gender, you have a warm spot in your heart for all things small and fuzzy. You tend to work well with kids, and they seem happy to oblige. You place a strong emphasis on family relations and chances are one of your closest bonds is with a familial figure of some sort. You’re willing to give everyone a chance to prove themselves, even if they falter a few times. However, you do NOT tolerate agression well, and it’s a big turn off for you in terms of finding a mate. And while you believe everyone deserves a second chance if they mess up, if their attitude is poor, you’re less willing to accept them. Overall, though, you’re very upbeat and personable – the perfect best friend!





















Which Lion King Character Are You?
created with


Went to DP M&S with Cowbell… that was great. She has a 1/2 sized guitar that hasn’t had new strings for about 12 years. I was so happy I was able to restring it and polish it up all nice for her. It deserved to be treated well after sitting locked away for all those years. I’m thinking about getting pickups for my mandolin and make it an electric mandolin… I’m a little attached with mine to trade it in for something new. I love that piece of crap. It was the only instrument I got with my own money like that. I have to keep it.

The nut popped off as I was polishing it… that lead for another interesting quest… Lets find superglue in the crappy little town I live in. We ended up at a gas station 1/2 between the main and south campuses got what we needed and went for dinner up noth… I had to actually come home to my mothers this weekend because i have a 12 meal card and I used them all this week… so I really had nothing of any nutritional value if I didn’t go home… pathetic right?

Homecomming dance was last night and it was a complete washout. I was probably the best dressed girl there… not the best looking, but best dressed. They’re all stupid little kids and I forget that. They know nothing aboout finding something for their body type of flattering. But what would I know about things like that?

So I went with Jonathan… He’s a nice guy, I guess. But he doesn’t dance, mingle or even hold a good conversation most of the time. So we spent about 30 minutes there and realized that this stunk. So I wanted to go back to my place… His mother drove him to the dance and he couldn’t go home until 11 when the dance ended. I said he could come back to my place and we could play old videogames and things until his mother came. She could come pick him up from my building… but he declined. His mother doesn’t seem to trust him around women. he said she told him there was to be no “hugging, kissing or touching of any kind” because he can’t control himself. I’ve known him since last semester and he’s a NERD. I true sterotypical nerd. Not someone I think its going to pin me to a wall and rip my dress off.

So he said he couldn’t come over to my place to play sonic… we walked (in the cold) over to Memorial Hall to get sketching paper and then over to the library to draw maps of Mossflower woods amd things like that. I know it is very lame. He wants for us to have a good map of mossflower country. I don’t know if that can exactally be done, but what do I care. We get out two books and go downstairs… ended up starting a 1000 piece puzzle until the library closed and ended up walking back to the union building…. It was 10pm by this time and we ended up BACK AT THE UNION and sat outside drawing the rest of the night. I was dissapointed because I wanted to go in and swing dance but I couldn’t do that or do anything else. I just felt really bumbed out over it.

His mother doesn’t trust him so there was nothing else to do but wait around for over an hour until she got there and I had to take the van back down to where I lived… Not like there was anything wrong with taking the van back down but I felt weird that his mother is so anti-girl for him. I don’t even like the guy but knowing someone is like that makes me want to run away … or at least run as fast as I could in those stilettos I wore trying to look nice.

went back down south to end up seeing emilys pigsty of a room.

the only good thing is that she is leaving this week. She thinks I hate her and I never said that. I said she annoyed me but I never said anything about hating her or something like that. and I never started rumors about her either. She can think all she wants to think but its her problem. That just means rachel and I get more room. How wonderful is that? No more little Emily annoyances. Sometime this week she should be out. AMEN TO THAT….

The rest of the night went like always… and I ended up talking to someone that I do truly love… truly … I fell asleep on him again too. I do feel guilty about doing that but I just… well… there’s nothing earth shattering about how I feel about him, even if it doesn’t always appear like that… sometimes I just feel like I’m a ticking time bomb that keeps getting closer to going off… but he makes it better somehow. I’ve opened myself up all the good, bad, ugly and worst and somehow its never going to be okay but its just…. fine.

Yes, its fine.

Saturday it poured… I mean… poured like no tomorrow for the homecomming game. Soaked to my underclothes, we lost the game and it was horrendis. I was so upset about having to be there and it took over an hour for me to get a coat…but cowbell and enjoyed getting to beat the crap out of our things.

sunday was uneventful… went to spend time with my mom… and burgerking… yay

and I started this post saturday afternoon and its still not done…

Last night I had seizures… strong hard seizures and i just remember there being pain and talking to him… i just remember talking to him and knowing no matter how much it hurt he was going to wait there with me and when I came out of the last one he was there. i think I truly do love him and there is more to post but it is getting late.

and its officially monday so what the hell. I’ll just keep going on this post and making it everything that it should be…. but thats another post…

Emily moved out today … amazing and Rachel and I couldn’t be happier. so much redecorating and moveing and CLEANING… LOTS OF CLEANING… it was amazing and now i feel like my stress leval has gone down dramatically!!!!!! YAY

Blackbird singing in the dead of night…

long time without a good post… and I feel like I don’t have anything good to say at all and why should I piss and moan in here … I’ll do a week in review for as much as I remember… but its all sucky

Results of my chemistry test and the studying that John and I did … well… I got a 29. I had a 26 on the first test … So I go to talk to DocMartin about what to do and he makes me cry. He tells me its mathmatically impossiable for me to pass his class because how bad I am. I tried so hard …and I cried really, really hard about it… the rest of the day was fighting with my family about things and majors and feeling in general bad.
Couldn’t go to my Anatomy class because of problems I was having and of course that made my professor/advisor FREAK. … god the Redwall cookbook

SCREAMED AT by lauren during marching band… she’s such a big bully… She yelled at me. That was my first day learning drill and she had 2 weeks before me. I think I have the right to make some mistakes. She doesn’t need to yell at me Talked to Dr.Mitchell too and came to the conclusion that this isn’t for me and I need to find other options … bleck. No i don’t know what else i want to do. Cram it.

Chose my schedule with the dean and we did alot of talking and he found my best area to be something I abandonded long ago. Religion. cool hun?

The deans westy is going to have 7 puppies! I’m so excited and they’re due today! he signed my schedue too. Very exciting. I got my seminary course cateloge and made the plans for John with what we’re doing for the homecomming. Got yelled at … had 3 massiave seizures