So, two hermits walk into an Abbey and a Priestess and a Magician come out hand in hand….

First…. congratulations for giving up drinking for the month, I know last night I sounded like I was joking about it but I’m really happy, really, really happy about that. Anytime you need to talk you can come to me and I’ll listen. You’re not alone dear, there’s always someone out there. Smile dammit! and the world can’t end today because its already tomorrow in Australia.

and now onto what this post is really about … I’ve parked myself in the computer lab of the library… I feel like my room is contaminated and dirty now… I just cannot be there until the contamination has gone…

and I were talking again last night about many things, past lives and different things of that nature. We were trying to make connections and I always enjoy and scare myself by trying to make connections… Because I feel like once I connect with someone its just going to blow up in my face. I know its a rather fatalistic view of the world but its really how I feel on a lot of things. We were talking about that for a long time and for the most part of it, it felt right. It felt good at the same time I was questioning it… I wanted it to be rteal at the same time I wanted it all to be pretend and not to have this connection. I don’t feel like being connected to a person like this and just the ways we are is right. Believe me… the circumstances right now make me almost wish that this never happened and I could get out…

Please don’t take that too personally… please… I know it sounds horriable for me to say and heartless of me to say that… but when things are all levaled out I cannot understand love in this way and I’m not just talking about lvoe for me but love for this whole fiasco. No matter what is going on I feel like this is going to be doomed because there is no gaurentee. Someone else could come along or things might not change and then it will be over like the rest of things like that.

I AM NOT TRYING TO BE A PESSAMIST. I JUST WANT TO BE REALISTIC.  I just want to say that I don’t know what chance there is for anything ever moving beyond simplistic because my mind will not work that way, How can my mind work that way when I cvan’t put in here why I know these things. Sometimes I think even in a past life my intuition was good… but even in past lives no one listened to me. I can’t blame them really.

Then calls me…He looked up my callendar and decided he wanted to prove that he loves me by making a suprise trip up here before my finals start. Well thats all fine and dancy but how inconsiderate is that really? He has no idea what I do anymore nad thinks he can just appear up here?! That was a long conversation and he never has been good with planning.  He is not staying with me because it would be so very akward if he tried too. So he doesn’t know whats going on now because he’s clueless and confused like a lot of the time. I would like to see him… and he asked me some questions like “Is there anyone with my dimentions up there” and I’m like … “Oh no.”  … I know it was not the right way to put itto him but when the whole conversation of sex is comming up and I will do ANYTHING to avoid that like the plague I think it is but said I would answer so I would have to anyway and not try to panic like I know I will and break down like I know I will because that only makes it worse. Like it did last night … I broke down… I went back into this shell I use to protect myself and tried to hide there for a long as possiable without causing myself serious harm.

How could someone want someone like me to talk? How does that make sense? The only times these things come up is around bed time and never anyother time…and then i get so exhausted because I’ve gotten myself so upset that I just black out over it and then its all over until the morning where I feel like I’ve been hit by a truck or something. I don’t talk. I try to talk and everyone is going to come back to me and be like … what do you mean you don’t talk? You talk all the time about things… but how many people actually knew or cared about a lot of this? No one and its not something thats talked about because its not acceptable. Because I cry, because I whine and no one likes hearing that … I don’t care that you say it would be okay for me to. I don’t care at all because its not okay, everyone gets tired of it. Everyone gets tired of being the support beam for someone as FUCKED UP as I am.

Maybe not fucked up… maybe not at all … maybe I’m just very tired and not thinking straight… maybe I’m just exhausted and can hardly keep my eyes open and just … I don’t know… and “Can you feel the love tonight” started playing on my Ipod and now I feel so much worse…

It’s not even like I don’t want to talk about it but I hate talking about it.

I digress…and I hate LJ cuts but I think its appropriate.

We were talking as it got late about things that always set me off. I try to keep them underwraps because it makes me feel better thinking I have them in control. (when really I have nothing that can keep them that way.) But I said I would always answer honestly anything that I could answer… So I did. I never really talk about things like that. Yes, and I have done things together like that and talked about it but I have always, always, always hated te idea of it. I’ve hated the concept … I would never, ever even RP sex if I didn’t want my characters to have children…especially Julaya, she’s the closest to me and even then… anyone whos yiffed with her knows its rare that its ever FINISHED.

I said I was damaged didn’t I ?I said that there are problems in my brain that make me this way… they make me wrong…

This all came up because I feel it would be impossiable for me to have children someday, even though I could love to have a daughter of my own. I don’t think I could bring myself to do that with someone… It’s not even that I think its disgusting… I find it painful… I always see it as akward and forced. Yes, I know it should be a beautiful act that is enjoyed by both people … and it should be something that is sacred or loved…  but I cannot see it that way,  I cannot see why anyone would want to do that!!! Focus on me? I would panic and curl up into a knot and start crying… It wouldn’t be the first time either. Focus on me and I get scared. If  I don’t have children because of it then that is something that I am just going to have to live with. I closed that topic… I closed the topic on my own sexuality and on the idea of me having children…

This STILL isn’t what I wanted to put into here… I’m still talking about things that were covered and closed. I called them closed to lock them back into my soul. If they’re locked away I know I can store them there. They’re safe there… I can protect them. I can keep those things that I’ve felt made me into me safe. Without those things I don’t know who I would be anymore.

I’m more authentic without the seizures being so bad, I’m more real with my right mind being here more and happier like this too…but this just means that I have to face things I’m not ready to attack. The thing is I will never be ready to just jump in and take care of these things… and what if I’m not… they’ll just fester there behind the gates in my soul where all good nightmares lie.   

I cannot believe I am going to say this … and I would be crying if I wsn’t in a public place.

I guess I feel like everyone already has someone … everyone has somebody … and then I come in after the fact and find my place…I’m tired of always comming in after the fact. Then just comming in I always, always feel like I’m the third wheel thats horning in on other peoples lives … or this dirty creature brought in …I just feel second rate because I am always in this same position. I’m always found…but I want to do the finding. I just want my own… I just want someone thats my own right now and no one elses. But I’m not ready for that. I’m not ready to feel that way for someone. I love… oh yes do I love and I love in return and that isn’t going to change at all… no, its not going to change anything I promise those feelings won’t change…

Just forgive me for this…please don’t be mad at me for this… I’m just really sad right now… really lonely and really sad and I don’t mean anything by it… really… I feel like i’m 7 years old again trying to get out of a punishment. But I know that punishment isn’t going to happen because I’m not 7 anymore. I’m an adult now and its not going to happen to me but when I get upset like this that little girl in my mind takes over and wants me to run to my room and cower… and beg that I won’t be hurt … I was never hit that much… really… i wasn’t hit that much but it did happen… and i did get un after a few times… and my door was broken before… but it wasn’t all the time…

I can’t focus…. I feel like I’m going to snap and I can’t focus…It’ll pass… It will always pass and I’ll read back over this and old not delete it because I know that someday I want to look back on this and explain to someone what was happening the right way… But I can’t talk about it now without hurting everyone one much worse than I already am </ljcut>

I’m out of time now. Class starts very, very soon and I hope there are no movies today..I don’t think I could watch another disection today… I’m out of time and need to go to my two classes. Then I’m leaving. I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m going there and I’m going to take a night to myself… and the saddest part is that I’m going to say that is my goal and intention… but i know its not going to happen because i will call or be called by someone… because secretly that is what I want… but I don’t want to be a bother for anymore people that I absolutely need to be… and my head hurts…

… Maybe I should be put on medication  for this?

5 thoughts on “So, two hermits walk into an Abbey and a Priestess and a Magician come out hand in hand….

  1. xamp says:

    No, you do not need to be on medication for this. Not at all. There is so much pain there. So much…. yet there is something else too… something that is growing…. something that I saw clearly last night just before things when to pieces. I have seen it before and I hope I have not harmed it. I am so sorry.

  2. moggymania says:

    You sound a lot like P… 😦 He posted this quote from the book about people with his problem, thought I’d post it here to show youwhat I mean, since I think I’ve mentioned it before….

    “I want to be accepted by you. I want you to like me. I don’t know what it feels like to be accepted and loved. Everyone that loved me hurt me. I don’t want to be hurt. I must survive somehow. No one can love me because I hate myself. I don’t trust you. If you say you love me, you are lying to me so you can exploit me. I’ll exploit you first. I [fear] you (because I believe that you will treat me the way my family treated me). But I need you to survive. I’m confused.”

  3. aximilij says:

    :: hugs :: ‘nuf said in the hug….. :: hugs more ::

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