I just feel like I’m loosing a battle with my body I don’t know what’s wrong with me I should be happy. My troubles should be over now that I don’t have this weight holding me, tying me down But if that’s true why am I so much more depressed now then I’ve ever been?
I guess it’s because 5 of the 6 people I trusted have all betrayed me at least once. Megan, Katy, Jen, Ashley, Garrett. I really can’t go into it all now Maybe this is a way telling me that I still have to face this pain even though I thought it was over? I just think that my body is dying from it All the pain, all the stress everything is just taking such a toll on me that I can’t physically stand any longer. I’ve given up praying what good has god ever served me I don’t know Maybe this is why I decided to be Atheist. Because I don’t care or believe in anything! It’s just the pain from it all! I’m so afraid!
There’s been one positive to this day I found out who my true friends are. Joey and Nixxy. They both really care about me. I feel the same for them. I’d do anything for them; they’re both so nice to me! But it makes me feel worse knowing I’m letting my problems off onto them. They have there own lives and things! Why do they need to take on mine? It’s truly ironic I help others solve their problems but I can’t seem to help solve my own. I love them both, they mean so much to me now. More then before!
I just wish that I was stronger, so I could block out all this pain my biggest problem is that I just feel everything. I was told that I’m mature then other 16-year-olds and that those 14-15 year olds I hang out with can’t understand so they feel they must hurt me and get through the shell and try to break me and see what I’m made of. But they strip away at me… and the pain gets greater and greater!
Today I lost someone I considered one of my best friends because I had no choice in the matter. Sarenity-Na had tried to destroy my relationships and me. It was insane and she would keep apologizing and I would take her back and things would be go and she would keep doing and doing it again. And finally she did things that were so painful I went to her family and she was brought to her knees. Destroying the last friendship that I had and sending me back into depression.
I want a friend that lives near me I’ve never had that I’ve lived in so many places but never had anyone my age near me and I never had anyone to play with. So I became the loner I am not I’m to afraid to try and make more friends… They could betray me again But I have Victor and he makes me feel better but I long to have him in my arms. I miss him to death but some day That’s my wish. For one day not even one day, to have my Victor in my arms and feel him holding me… for the love and protection!