I don’t know where this summer will go!!

UGH!!!!!

Why do I even bother asking him to call me! I don’t understand it! Why is it that when he asks me to call him I do it even if it’s not the most convenient thing in the world! But I can’t keep this up or my father will kill me! The bill will be outrageous! I have a job, yes! But it’s not the best pay in the world! barely minimum wage! Definitely not enough to pay for my Cell bill and my internet and everything else I have to pay for! I love my guy and I know he has this almost drafted delivery service that he does because of the scooter and I know he has a lot of stuff to do and is busy to it would just be nice if he would take a second to say hi. I know it sounds very selfish of me and I’m not trying to sound that way really! I know he just got a job and I know he just moved rooms and has a lot to do! I can accept that but when I ask him and he promised to call me and I asked him twice to promise and he did then I wait until almost midnight and just give up on him thats when I get just damned mad over it…I know he can’t help it… but damn it… sometimes I would just like to know what he’s thinking about when we talk… or how he really feels… He has a journal here too…but he never really uses it because he doesn’t have time to… I just hope he’ll still have time for me this summer…

Our schedules are so conflicting! I have first week of Symphony, a trip back home to Chicago then Fencing Camp 3 weeks in a row! He’s home when I’m at Symphony then while I’m in chicago he’s home but leaving for the shore after that. and for fencing I have that all day so there’s another week down the toliate… and I know I’m bitching but I need to get this out somewhere! But it’s more then that! it’s the fact that I work all weekend from 6am-4:30pm at the bagel Co and he works weekdays 5-9 at K-mart. so when I get home from my camps he’ll be at work! I’ll never get to see him. That’s hard. I love him so much that it hurts but I can’t just keep saying it because it’ll just get him annoyed!

Another thing, Sometimes he’s told me that I can’t fight my own battles. Or I depend on him too much and all that rot! I can’t help some of it and part of the time it’s because I’m tired of being a total defender all the time! I’ve stood on my own for 15 years now and It’s kinda nice to have someone help me! And with Josh, ((The 13 year old that was hitting on me)) He was the one that wanted to meet Vic I wasn’t about to introduce them on my own! I knew it was suicide! but they both got all mad! Especially Vic for thinking I was dragging him in to something that I couldn’t handle! he stopped. I asked him to and he did. It was that easy.

I don’t know. I’ll have a better post tomorrow or later. We’ll see then

~~Chantel~~

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